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^ON-MOTS.
First Edition of this issue of " Bon-Mots **
printed April 1893,
Second Edition^ December 1893.
SC^ai..
** Wit makes Us ovm welcome^ and levels all dis-
Unctions*'' — Emerson.
*' Blockheads^ with reason^ wicked wits ahhor'" —
" The rays of wit gild wheresoeer they strike." —
Stillingworth.
•* Often it consisteth in one knows not ivhaty and
s^ringeth up one can hardly tell how.'' — Barrow.
*' Not in vain hath he lived, whose beneficent mirth
Hath lightened the frowns and the furrows of
earthr^
" While we're quaffing^
Let's have laughing —
Who the devil cares for more ? " —
" Man could direct his way by plain reason, and
support life by tasteless food ; but God has given him
wit and flavour^ laughter and perfume ^ to enliven
the days of man's pilgrimage^ and to charm his
pained steps over the burning war/."— Sydney
Smith.
'/r'
INTRODUCTION.
SYDNEY SMITH.
• • "IX7HEN Philip of Macedon was king," says
Dr Doran, ' ' there was a club of wits in
Athens which met once a week — not in a tavern,
but in the temple of Hercules. They had such
a favourable opinion of their own powers, that
they chronicled all their own jokes ; and kings
sent to borrow the book — The Book of the Sixty. "
In after years, any Athenian telling a "good
story" was in danger of hearing that it was
"one of the Sixty," even as, to-day, in similar
circumstances, we are ready to cry "Joe Miller"
or, less politely, "chestnuts." And so it is that
when a good story, a witty retort, a bon-tnot is
to be repeated, it is put down to the reigning
wit. How many stories, for example, are
credited indiscriminately to Sydney Smith,
Sheridan, Douglas Jerrold, Theodore Hook,
Samuel Foote, and others. Absolute certainty
8 'Introduction.
as to the paternity of an oft-repeated joke is
frequently out of the question. What I have
done in these volumes is, by gathering the mots
from contemporary lives, diaries, memoirs,
autobiographies et hoc genus omne^ to get as
near as may be to correctness.
The sayings of Sydney Smith — a wit, like the
Sixty, of the temple, not of the tavern — as will
be seen in the following pages, are of various
kinds, from the lightning flashes of wit, to
wild, rollicking, uproarious humour. As Tom
Moore said of him in his Diary : ' ' He never
minds what nonsense he talks, which is one
of the great reasons of his saying so much
that is comical." Another entry in the same
Diary reads: "Sydney at dinner and after
in full force; sometimes high comedy, some-
times farce ; both perfect in their way. Sydney
most rampantly facetious. " Often the mot that
flashed out in conversation was afterwards em-
ployed in his writings : as Moncton Milnes (Lord
Houghton) put it: "Smith always exercises
his jokes in society before he runs them upon
paper. " Lord Lansdowne excellently described
Sydney Smith as " a mixture of Punch and
Cato." Landor addressed him as '■ Humour's
pink primate, Sydney Smith." In the Noctes,
too, he is described as " a rare genius of the gro-
tesque, with his quips and cranks a formidable
enemy to pomposity and pretension. No man
can wear a big wig comfortably in bis presence. "
Introduction. 9
Indeed what Smith's contemporaries have
written of his wit would fill as large a volume
as the examples of his wit that have come down
to us. In the hope that some idea of the man
himself as he spoke them, may be more present
in reading his mois^ a few of these thumb-nail
notes on Sydney Smith as a wit are here tran-
scribed : — Sydney Smith's conversation was the
conversation of a man mad with spirits. — His
intellect was like an electric coil, you touched it
and it flashed out in .sparkling coruscations at
the touch.— Possessing as much wit as a man
without a grain of his sense, he had as much sense
as a man without a spark of his wit. — Macaulay
said of him that it seemed to be his greatest
luxury to keep his wife and daughters laughing
for two or three hours every day. — The lips of
Sydney Smith dropping sparkling diamonds of
wit every now and then, attention to which was
demanded by the speaker's own boisterous
laugh. — Crabb Robinson wrote of Smith in his
Diary that his "faun-like face was a sort of
promise of good things when he did but open
his lips." — Lord Dudley said to Sydney Smith :
• ' You have been laughing at me for the last seven
years, and yet in all that time ycu never said
a single thing to me I wished unsaid." — His
talk is a torrent of wit, fun, nonsense, pointed
remark, just observation, and happy illustra-
tions. — No stain of impurity ever sullied his
blade. — ' * Sydney , ' ' said one of his college chums,
lo Introduction.
"your sense, wit, and clumsiness always give me
the idea of an Athenian carter." — His casual
bon-mots wreathed the town with smiles. — A wise
man in the brilliant guise of a wit. — His
inevitable and irresistible flood of fun rolled
over one like a cataract, never ceasing, never
slackening, never varying its pace for an instant.
The following is an outline of his life: — 1771.
Sydney Smith was born on June 3rd at Wood-
ford, Essex ; his father was Robert Smith ; his
mother, Maria Olier, daughter of a French
emigrant. — 1782. Scholar of Winchester Col-
lege. — 1789. New College, Oxford ; fellowship
two years later. — 1794. Left College and
entered the Church. Curate of Nether Avon,
Wilts. — 1798. Went to Edinburgh as tutor. —
1800. Married Catherine Pybus. — 1802. Started
the Edinburgh Review in conjunction with
Brougham, Jeffrey, Francis Horner and others.
— 1803. Left Edinburgh for London. Preacher
at the Foundling Hospital ; lectured on Moral
Philosophy at the Royal Institution. — 1807.
Rector of Foston-le-Clay, Yorkshire, "Village
parson and doctor." Peter Plymleys Letters.
— 1828. Canon of Bristol. — 1829. Rector of
Combe Florey. — 1831. Canon Residentiary of
St Paul's. — 1845. February 22nd, died.
W. J.
Introduction. 1 1
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN.
" A TRUE-TRAINED wit lays his plan like a
general — foresees the circumstances of the con-
versation — surveys the ground and contingencies
— and detaches a question to draw you into the
palpable ambuscade of his ready-made joke."
So wrote Sheridan, and his practice showed him,
according to his own definition, to be a " true-
trained wit," for often the bon-mot was carefully
elaborated and then the conversation as carefully
guided to a fitting point at which the wit might
be brought forth with apparent spontaneity.
This idea of wit is very different from the
general one which is wittily defined by Sydney
Smith when he called wit "in midwife's phrase,
a quick conception and an easy delivery. " Elach
of these wits defined wit as it was exemplified
in his own practice ; with Smith as with
Douglas Jerrold, the joke flashed to the tip of
the tongue and must out "though the heavens
should crack and the dearest friend take it
amiss." With Sheridan it was far otherwise,
and one of his biographers has shown the world
how carefully he elaborated the thought which
was ultimately perfected as used in the House
of Commons, when Sheridan said that the
previous speaker was indebted to his imagina-
tion for his facts and his memory for his wit
12 Introduction.
Many of Sheridan's recorded sayings are, how-
ever, obviously retorts on the spur of the
moment ; and the testimony of several of his
contemporaries is that his wit was at times so
incessant that it could but be spontaneous. —
Mrs Le Fanu, his sister, said that the same
playful fancy, the same sterling and innoxious
wit, that was shown afterwards in his writ-
ings, cheered and delighted the family circle. —
" Sheridan's humour, or rather wit," said Lord
B3Ton, "was always saturnine, and sometimes
savage. He never laughed, at least that I saw,
and I watched him. In society I have met him
frequently; he was superb." — His wit was an
incessant flame. — He sometimes displayed a
kind of serious and elegant playfulness, not
apparently rising to wit, but unobservedly
saturated with it, which was unspeakably
pleasing. — His wit is the wit of common sense.
— Grace of manner, charm of voice, fluency
of language, and, above all, a brilliancy of
sarcasm, a wit and a humour; and again a
felicity of statement that made him the delight
of every audience, and that excited the admira-
tion of his very opponents themselves. — The
wit displayed by Sheridan in Parliament was
perhaps, from the suavity of his temper, much
less sharp than brilliant. — The story of his
life told in outline is as follows : — 1751. Richard
Brinsley Butler Sheridan was born on October
30th in Dublin ; his father, Thomas Sheridan,
Introduction. 13
an actor manager ; his mother, Frances
Chamberlaine, an accomplished authoress. —
1762. At school at Harrow, where he remained
for five or six years. — 1773. Married Miss
Linley, a noted beauty and singer. — 1775. The
Rivals ; St Patricks Day, or the Scheming
Lieutenant, and the Duenna produced. — 1776.
Sheridan purchased a share in Drury Lane
Theatre. — 1777. A Trip to Scarborough, and
The School for Scandal. — 1779. The Critic. —
178a Entered Parliament as member for Staf-
ford. — 1782. Under-Secretary of State in the
Rockingham Administration. — 1783. Secretary
to the Treasury in the Coalition Ministry. —
1787. One of the accusers in the Impeachment
of Warren Hastings. — 1788. Made his great
speech in the impeachment. Production of
Pitarro. — 1809. Drury Lane Theatre burnt. —
1816. July 7, died.
W. J.
SYDNEY SMITH.
BON-MOTS
SYDNEV SMITH.
lestion, "are anyofoar institutions in danger? "
" No, but I have just been with Brougham,
loni I sought out for the purpo^ of making
I important communication , but. upon my
jrd, be (cealed me as if I were a fool."
" Never mind, my dear fellow," said Smith,
his most sympathetic tones, "never mind,
rver mind, be thought you knew il t "
1 8 Bon-Mots.
'y HE whole of my life (said Smith to a friend),
has been passed like a razor — in hot water
or a scrape.
— WVW—
J^ESCRIBING a dinner at which he had
been present, Sydney Smith said : ** Puns
are frequently provocative. One day, after
dinner with a Nabob, he was giving us
Madeira —
** ' London — East India —picked— particular^
then a second thought struck him, and he
remembered that he had a few flasks of Con-
stantia in the house, and he produced one.
He gave us just a glass apiece. We became
clamorous for another, but the old qui-hi was
firm in his refusal.
*' *Well, well,' said I, 'since we can't
double the Cape, we must e'en go back tc
Madeira.'
'• We all laughed, our host most of all, and
he, too, luckily had his joke, * Be of Good
Hope, you shall double it,' at which we al
laughed still more immoderately, and drank the
second flask."
— WV/W—
TT is admirable of you to send game to th(
clergy; that is what I call real piety; i
reminds one of the primitive Christians.
Sydney Smith. 19
'yWO well-known men were being discussed.
Said Smith: "There is the same differ-
ence between their tongues as between the hour
and the minute hand ; one goes twelve times
as fast, and the other signifies twelve times as
much."
"DLANCO WHITE used to relate that he
once complained to Sydney Smith of long
and weary nights of utter sleep-
lessness, owing to bad health.
" I can furnish you," replied
Smith, "with an infallible sopori-
fic. I have published two vol-
umes of Sermons. I will send
them to you ; they will last a long
time. You are to take them
into bed with you, and begin
at the beginning. Before you
have read three pages you will be fast ; but take
care that you put the candle in a safe place, or
you will sleep so sound, you will be burned to
death."
— WWv—
-yALKING of Milner's History of Chris-
tianiiyj Sydney Smith said, "It's a mis-
take altogether in our friend — no man has a
right to write on such subjects, unless he is
prepared to go the whole lamb.
20 Bon-Mots.
rys seeing a lady sitting at the dinner-table
between two Bishops, Smith enquired,
•* Her name is Susanna, I assume?"
— WVW—
COME one having said of Macaulay, " He
"^ will let nobody talk but himself," Smith at
once answered, "Why, who would if he could
help it?"
A T one of Rogers's breakfast-parties Sydney
Smith is reported to have said, " I wish I
could write poetry like you, Rogers, I would
write an Inferno^ and I would put Macaulay
among a lot of disputants — and gag him ! "
— ^/\/\/\^—
A YOUNG clergyman tremblingly asked
the Canon how he liked his preaching.
" Well, if you must know," came the answer,
"I like you better in the bottle than in the
wood."
— W\/W-
r\P Homer, one of his early colleagues on the '
Edinburgh Review^ Sydney Smith said
that he had the Ten Commandments written
on his face, and looked so virtuous that he
might commit any crime with impunity.
Sydney Smith. 21
"VTES, X. was merry, not wise. You know^ a
man of small understanding is merry
where he can, not where he should. Lightning
must, I should think, be the wit of the heavens.
A LEARNED bore was dwelling at inordinate
length upon the great size of a fly's eye
compared with its bulk, when Sydney Smith
flatly contradicted him, quoting triumphantly,
these words from the Death of Cock Robin ^
"I, said the fly, with my little eye,
I saw him die.*'
— ^/\/\/w—
•* T WILL explain it to you," said W. D.
*• Oh, pray don't, my dear fellow,'
said Sydney, laughing, "I did understand a
little about the Scotch Kirk before you under-
took to explain it to me yesterday ; but now my
mind is like a London fog on the subject."
"M"©, I don't like dogs ; I always expect them
to go mad. A lady asked me once for a
motto for her dog Spot I proposed, "Out,
damned Spot," but she did not think it senti-
mental enough.
22 Bon-Mots.
•yAKING up the cartoon of the Beautiful
Gate, Sydney Smith began reading the
fine speech of St Peter to the beggar, •* Silver
and gold have I none."
•*Ah! that was in the time of the paper
currency," said he.
CYDNEY SMITH said that he had got rid of
*" the two great bores of society, invitation
and introduction, and that he literally went
to routs without either.
— vsWW—
'T'ALKING with Southey over their mutual
friends, Sydney Smith referred to Charles
Lamb's intemperate habits. " He draws so
much beer that no wonder he buffoons people
— he must have a butt to put it in."
" ROGERS told us," says Crabb Robinson
in his Diary, "that Sydney Smith said
to his eldest brother, a grave and prosperous
gentleman : * Brother, you and I are exceptions
to the laws of nature. You have risen by your
gravity, and I have sunk by my levity.' " *
* Dyce says that Rogers ascribed this mot to
Home Tooke.
glSHOPWILBERFORCE describes a mosl
inleresling three days spent al Eton al
Selwyn's farewell sermon. " 1 preached once,
and he once, Heisjust
selling out, and my
friend Whitehead with
him as chaplain. Syd-
ney Smith says it will
make quite a revolution
in the dinners of New
Zealand : llli (T Evlque
iherchi dish, and your
man will add ihat there
is cold clergyman on the side-table."
It was on the same occasion that Sydney
Smith also said to Sel»-yn, "And as for myself,
my Lord, all I can say is, ihal when your new
parishioners do eat you, I sincerely hope you
may disagree with ihem."
A YOUNG man of fashion who was trying
■"■ to uphold the reputation of a well-known
nobleman — accused of cheating at play —
thought to clinch his argument by eiclninting,
"Well, Idon'l care what llley say, IhnvejusI
left a card upon him."
"Did you mar* il then?" enquired Sydney
24 Bon-Mots.
/^ALLING upon a fellow writer in the
Edinburgh Review, Sydney Smitli found
him actually reading a book for the purpose of
reviewing it. Having expressed his astonish-
ment in the strongest terms, his friend inquired
how he managed when performing the critical
office.
' * Oh, I never read a book before reviewing
it : it prejudices a man so," was Smith's
explanation.
— WVV'^
A/TY friend Tait sent his boy over to spend
the day with my boy; they set him on
my boy's pony, and the pony ran away with
him, "Oh, ho," cried I, "that is what our
lively neighbours call tite-montie."
— vV\/Vv—
pAMPBELL, the poet, tells how Sydney
Smith once said to him that if Hallam
were in the midst of a full assembly of scientific
men, and if Euclid were to enter the room
with his Elements under his arm and were to
say, "Gentlemen, I suppose no one present
doubts the truth of the Forty-fifth Proposition
of my first Book of Elements" — Mr Hallam
would immediately say, "Yes, / have my
doubts."
Sydney Smith. 25
A SCANDALISED fop pointed out, with a
grimace of disgust, a straw on the carpet
of a drawing-room filled with people of fashion,
thereby implying that some unworthy plebeian
had driven to the door in a hackney coach.
** God bless my soul," said Sydney Smith, " do
you care about that ? Why, I was at a literary
soirSe the other night where the carpet was like
a stubble field."
— vy/VW—
C YDNEY SMITH was talking over the sub-
ject of American Slavery with his friend
Mr Everett, when Everett observed in a tone
of tender self-pity, that we in England did not
really understand the matter, and could not feel
at our distance how impossible it was to asso-
ciate with the negroes, they smelt so abominably.
" Ah ! " retorted Smith, without a moment's
hesitation, "'At si non alium late jactasset
odorem civts erat' ('laurus erat,' in Virgil).
That, sir, may be a reason for not inviting
him to a crowded evening party, but it is no
reason for refusing them their freedom."
/RESERVING Lord Brougham's one-horse
carriage. Smith remarked to a friend,
alluding to the B surmounted by a corone on
the panel, "There goes a carriage with a B
outside and a wasp within."
26 Bon -Mots.
yi RS LONGMAN being about to entertain
at dinner the two noted entomologists,
Kirby and Spmce. Sydney Smitli suggested n
mena which should include "flea-pates, earth
worms on toast, caterpillars crawling in cream
and removii^ themselves," &c.
■J-OM MOORE asked Smith to accompany
him to Newton's studio to see his (Moore's)
portrait. Smith paused for a moment in front
of the picture, then, turning to the painter, said,
" Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face
somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility
to the Church Establishment ? "
C YDNEY SMITH, walking with the Bishop
of Exeter, saw written up over a shop,
'■Shall we go in, my lord?"
Sydney Smith. 27
CIR RODERICK MURCHISON, according
to Sydney Smith, would be found giving
•'not swarries, but quarries; all the ladies
having ivory-handled hammers and six little
bottles for each to try the stones."
A/TACAULAY had told Sydney Smith that
meeting him was some compensation for
missing Ramohun Roy. Sydney broke forth :
•* Compensation ! Do you mean to insult me ?
A beneficed clergyman, an ortho-
dox clergyman, a nobleman's
chaplain, to be no more than
compensation for a Brahmin ;
and a heretic Brahmin, too, a
fellow who has lost his own reli-
gion and can't find another ; a
vile heterodox dog, who, as I am credibly in-
formed eats beef-steaks in private ! A man who
has lost his caste ! who ought to have melted
lead poured down his nostrils, if the good old
Vedas were in force as they ought to be."
— vVWvr-
/^N Mrs Austin explaining that she was no
relation to Miss Austen, Sydney Smith
said to her, "You are quite wrong; I always
let it be inferred that I am the son of Adam
Smith. ••
28 Bon-Mots.
'M'OTHING amuses me more than to observe
the utter want of perception of a joke in
some minds. Mrs Jackson called one day and
spoke of the oppressive heat.
•' Heat, ma'am ! " I said, •' it was so dreadful
here that I found there was nothing left for it
but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones."
* ' Take off your flesh and sit in your bones,
sir ! Oh, Mr Smith ! how could you do that?"
she exclaimed, with the utmost gravity.
" Nothing more easy, ma'am ; come and see
next time." But she ordered her carriage and
evidently thought it a very unorthodox pro-
ceeding.
— i/v/V/Vvv—
'T'ALKING once of charades and such like
literary minutiae, Smith said that charades
if made at all should be made without benefit
of clergy ; the offender should instantly be
hurried off to execution, and be cut off in the
middle of his dulness, without being allowed to
explain to his executioner why his first is like
his second or what is the resemblance between
his fourth and his ninth.
TT is a grand thing for a man to find out his
own line and keep to it— you get so much
further and so much faster on your own rail.
Sydney Smith. 29
pXPLAINING the scantiness of Scotch
scholarship, Sydney Smith said, "Greek
was a witch, and, as such, could not cross run-
ning water, nor ever get beyond the Tweed."
'\X7'AR was being discussed when Sydney
Smith said that in some causes he would
allow fighting to be a luxury, adding that the
business of prudent, sensible men was to guard
against luxury. *
— ^/^/\/Vv^
CYDNEY SMITH said that he must believe
in apostolical succession, there being no
other way of accounting for the descent of the
(then) Bishop of Exeter from Judas Iscariot.
"DEFERRING to the fact of men so often
colliding with one another over different
questions, Smith exclaimed, "How few men
are on the right rail 1 "
— ^VWv —
'T'HERE is not the least use in preaching to
anyone, unless you chance to catch them
ill.
* He happily used the same idea in a characteristic
letter to Lady Grey.
pleasure, as he Has a man of sense, simplicity,
and learning, but with sucli a total absence
of it in others as
lim an amusing object
jlation to the uit.
The conversation al
he table look a liberal
urn. Sydney Smith in
the full career of bis
■its happened to say
I though he was not
erally considered an
confess he bad a lillle weakness, one secret
ivisb— he would like lo roast a Quakrr.
■'Good Heavens, Mr Smitbl" said Mr B.
full of horror, " roasl a Quaker ? "
■'Yes, sir!" (with the greatest gravity) "roast
" But do you consider, Mr Smith, Ihe
torture?"
■■I have eon-
Sydney Smith. 31
say; the Quaker would undoubtedly suffer
acutely, but everyone has his tastes, — mine
would be to roast a Quaker. One would
satisfy me, only one. It is one of those
peculiarities I have striven against in vain,
and I hope you will pardon my weakness."
Mr B.'s honest simplicity could stand this
no longer, and he seemed hardly able to sit at
table with him. The whole company were in
roars of laughter at the scene ; but neither
this, nor the mirth and mischief sparkling in
Sydney's eyes, enlightened him in the least,
for a joke was a thing of which he had no
conception.
At last Smith, seeing that he was giving real
pain, said, "Come, come, Mr B., since you
think I am so very illiberal, I must be wrong,
and will give up my roasted Quaker, rather
than your esteem ; let us drink wine together."
Peace was made, but it is doubtful whether
time or explanation ever made B. comprehend
that it was a joke.
CIR ANTHONY PANIZZI (librarian of the
British Museum) was talking to Sydney
Smith at a grand reception when the venerable
Thomas Grenville entered. ' • Ah 1 " exclaimed
Smith to his companion, " here comes the man
from whom we all ought to learn how to grow
old."
32 Bon-Mots.
' ' 'T'HE great use of the raised centre revolving
on a round table," said Sydney Smith,
•• would be to put Macaulay (' the talk-mill' )
on it, and so distribute his talk fairly to the
company."
"VTELBOURNE used to begin by damning
the subject of conversation. I used to
say, •' Well, well, suppose it damned, and pro-
ceed with the discussion ! "
— vy/VW—
T N conversation once, after listening to some
one's anecdotage, Sydney Smith remarked
with all solemnity that a certain ancient people
ate their old members who became troublesome,
and told long stories.
CMITH was very comical about a remedy of
Lady Holland's for the book- worms in the
library at Holland House, having the books
washed with some mercurial preparation. He
said it was Sir Humphry Davy's opinion that
the air would become charged with the mercury,
and that the whole family would be salivated,
adding, " I shall see Allen some day, with his
tongue hanging out, speechless, and shall take
the opportunity to stick a few principles into
him."
Sydney Smith. 33
T^HE same passion which peoples the parson-
age with chubby children, animates the
Arminian, and bums in the breast of the
Baptist.
1^ RS B. has not very clear ideas about the
tides. I remember at a large party, her
insisting that it was always high-tide at London
Bridge at twelve o'clock. She referred to nte.
" Now, Mr Smith, is it not so?"
I answered, "It used not to be so, I believe,
formerly, but perhaps the Lord Mayor and
Aldermen have altered it lately."
C IR Henry Holland was so smooth mannered
that Sydney Smith once said of him that
" he was all mucilage, he was so very bland. "
C
34 Bon-Mots.
C YDNEY SMITH talked once of his house
being full of cousins, adding that they
were all first cousins, and he wished them —
once removed.
— vV\/Vv—
/^N Matthews saying on some occasion of
Tom Hill, "Will nobody stop that •
fellow's mouth? " " Not me;' said Smith, " I
know the way to Highgate but not to muzzle
Hill " (Muswell Hill).
— w\/\/v*.—
COME people were assembled to look at a
turtle that had been sent to the house of a
friend, when a child of the party stooped down
and began eagerly stroking its shell.
"Why are you doing that?" said Sydney
Smith.
" Oh, to please the turtle."
"Why, child, you might as well stroke the
dome of St Paul's^ to please the Dean and
Chapter."
— vv/\/Vv^
TOURING one of the famous breakfasts at
Samuel Rogers', the talk was of stories of
dram-drinkers catching fire : Smith pursued the
idea i n every possible shape. The inconvenience
Sydney Smith. 35
of a man coming too near the candle when he
was speaking, "Sir, your observation has
caught fire!" He then went on to imagine a
parson breaking into a blaze in the pulpit ; the
engines called to put him out — no water to be
had, the man at the waterworks being an
Unitarian or an Atheist.
TXTHILST at Combe Florey, as Smith was
writing one day in his favourite bay
window, a pompous little gentleman in rusty
black was ushered in.
" May I ask what procures me the honour of
this visit?" enquired Smith.
•' Oh," said the little man, •• I am compound-
ing a history of the distinguished families of
Somersetshire, and have called to obtain the
Smith arms."
" I regret, sir," responded Smith, ** not to be
able to contribute to so valuable a work ; but
the Smiths never had any arms, and have
invariably sealed their letters with their thumbs. "
— A/\/\A^ —
T^O one who expressed a very strong opinion,
and justified it on the ground that he was
only a plain man, Sydney Smith retorted that
he was not aware that the gentleman's personal
appearance had anything to do with the
question.
36 Bon-Mots.
■\X7'HEN Lord Jeffrey was having a cast of
his face taken, Sydney Smith, who was
present, on seeing the face of his friend com-
pletely covered with the plaster, leaped up,
exclaiming mock heroically, "There's immor-
tality! but God keep me from such a mode
of obtaining it."
A BEE came in through the open window at
a dinner party, when, turning to a lady
who sat next to him, a conceited young officer
exclaimed in peevish, affected tones,
" If there is one thing I hate more
than another, it is the buzzing of
a bee at dinner time."
Sydney Smith immediately re-
marked in an undertone to his fair
neighbour, ' ' I suppose, madam, if a hornet
came in, the captain would sell out!''
COMEONE mentioned a young Scotchman
who was about to marry an Irish widow
double his age, and of very large (considerable)
proportions. ' ' Going to marry her ! " Smith
exclaimed, bursting out laughing. "Impos-
sible ; you mean a part of her. He could not
marry all of her himself. It would not be a
case of bigamy, but of trigamy. The neigh-
bourhood or the magistrate should interfere.
Sydney Smith. 37
There is enough of her to furnish wives for the
whole parish. One man marry her ! it is
monstrous ! you might people a colony with
her, or, perhaps, take your morning's walk
round her, always providing that there were
frequent resting-places, and you were in rude
health. I once was rash enough to walk round
her before breakfast, but only got half-way and
gave it up exhausted. Or you might read the
Riot Act, and disperse her ; in short you might
do anything but marry her."
"Oh," said a young lady present, recovering
from the general laugh, " did you make that all
up yourself?"'
"Yes, Lucy, all myself, child, all my own
thunder. Do you think when I am about to
make a joke, I send for my neighbours or
consult the clerk and churchwardens upon it?"
" nPHE miseries of human life," said Sydney
Smith, on one occasion, "were things
only to be successfully encountered on a basis
of beef and wine."
A DEVONSHIRE elector (some time in the
thirties) expressed surprise at Lord John
Russell's small stature. Sydney Smith explained
it by saying it was because Lord John "was
wasted in the country's service. "
41
38 Bon-Mots.
AN American said to Sydney Smith, "You
are so funny ! Do you know, you remind
me of our great joker, Dr Chamberlayne."
I am much honoured," Smith replied;
but I was not aware that you had such a
functionary in the United States."
— A/\/\/Vs»—
CIR EDWIN LANDSEER somewhat
patronisingly offered to let Sydney Smith
sit to him for his portrait.
"Is thy servant a dog," retorted Sydney
Smith, "that he should do this thing?"*
-^\/V\A^ —
T DO not mean to be disrespectful, but the
attempt of the Lords to stop the progress
of reform reminds me very forcibly of the great
storm of Sidmouth, and of the conduct of the
excellent Mrs Partington on that occasion.
In the winter of 1824 there set in a great flood
upon that town — the tide rose to an incredible
height — the waves rushed in upon the houses —
and everything was threatened with destruction.
In the midst of this sublime and horrible storm,
Dame Partington, who lived upon the beach,
*This mot has always been ascribed to Sydney
Smith ; it was so when first current in the thirties,
though Lord Houghton in his Monographs states
that Lockhart really said it.
Sydney Smith. 39
was seen at the door of her house with mops
and pattens, trundling her mop, squeezing out
the sea-water, and vigorously pushing away the
Atlantic Ocean. The Atlantic was roused.
Mrs Partington's spirit was up, but I need not
tell you that the contest was unequal. The
Atlantic Ocean beat Mrs Partington. She was
excellent at a slop or a puddle, but she should
not have meddled with a tempest. Gentlemen,
be at your ease — be quiet and steady. You
will beat Mrs Partington.
— vv/\/Vv^
/^F a preacher noted for his dull sermons,
Sydney Smith said that he evidently
thought that sin was to be taken from men as
Eve was from Adam — by casting them into a
deep sleep.
—"A/S/S/V—
'T"0 illustrate the wasting of the moments that
make up the year, Sydney Smith remarked
to a young lady, '* Do you ever reflect how you
pass your life? If you live to seventy-two, which
I hope you may, your life is passed in the
following manner :— An hour a day is three years,
his makes twenty-seven years sleeping ; nine
ears dressing ; nine years at table ; six years
laying with children ; nine years walking,
rawing, and visiting ; six years shopping, and
ree years quarrelling."
40 Bon-Mots.
CYDNEY Smith said that he found the
influence of the aristocracy "oppressive,"
but added, "However, I never failed, I think, to
Speak my mind before any of them ; I hardened
myself early."
CYDNEY SMITH had, it is well known,
a preference for London sights and
sounds to all that the country could offer ; the
tastes of Young, the actor;
were somewhat similar
and when the two me
at Holland House, anc
Young had been mono
polising the conversatioi
for some time, Smitl
turned to him, sayinf
with much fun, " D<
you know, Mr Young, I had much rather b<
listening to you than to the lowing of oxen o
the bleating of sheep."
— vV/\/Vv—
A LADY of title closely questioned Sydne;
Smith as to his forbears, — who was hi
grandfather ?
Smith gravely informed her that "he dis
appeared about the time of the Assizes, and-
we asked no questions."
Sydney Smith. 41
N attempt to warm St Paul's Cathedral
Sydney Smith described as useless, saying
that one might as well attempt to warm the
county of Middlesex.
CYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening
by the familiarity of a young gentleman,
who, though a new acquaintance, was encour-
aged by Smith's reputation as a "joker" to
address him by his surname alone. After
awhile the free and easy young man happened
to mention that he was going that evening, for
the first time, to the Archbishop of Canterbury's
palace, and Smith pathetically remarked —
" Let me give you a little bit of advice ; pray,
don't clap the Archbishop on the back, and call
him Howley."
42 Bon-Mots.
A SKED one day at the Kinglakes if he wej
in favour of increasing the number of th
bishops, Smith answered in his vein of humoui
ous exaggeration, "Yes, I am for increasin,
the number of the bishops — those islets in th
Bristol Channel, the Flat Holm and the St
Holm, each should have a bishop."
—A/\/\^ —
TV/TACAULAY says that he advised Sydne
Smith once to stay in London over th
meeting of Parliament, and see something c
his friends who would be crowding to London
"My flock!" said Smith, "my dear sii
remember my flock ! * The hungry sheep loo
up and are not fed.' "
T ORD Dudley was one of the most absent
minded men I think I ever met in society
One day he met me in the street and invited m
to meet myself. " Dine with me to-day ; din
with me, and I will get Sydney Smith to mee
you." I admitted the temptation he held ou
to me, but said I was engaged to meet hir
elsewhere.
— "^Wv^ —
TN Sydney's Smith's last illness, a frient
visiting him said that he feared he wa
very ill, "Yes," was the reply, "not enougl
of me left to make a curate."
Sydney Smith. 43
"XXTHAT a beautiful thought — a sunbeam
passes through pollution unpolluted.
'M'EVER give way to melancholy ; resist it
steadily, for the habit will encroach. I
once gave a lady two and twenty recipes against
melancholy ; one was a bright fire ; another to
remember all the pleasant things said to and
of her ; another to keep a l)OX of sugar-plums
on the chimney-piece, and a kettle simmering
on the hob. I thought this mere trifling at the
moment, but have in after life discovered how
true it is that these little pleasures often banish
melancholy better than higher or more exalted
objects ; that no means ought to be thought too
trifling which can oppose it either in ourselves
or others.
T IFE is a difficult thing in the country, I
assure you ; and it requires a good deal
of forethought to steer the ship when you live
twelve miles from a lemon. By-the-bye, that
reminds me of one of our greatest domestic
triumphs. Some years ago my friend C — , the
arch-epicure of the Northern Circuit, was dining
with me. On sitting down to dinner, he turned
round to the servant and desired him to look
in his greatcoat pocket, and he would find a
Bon-Mols.
for," he said, " I thought it Hkel -^j.
have duck and green peas for dinnKi- _
and iherefore thought i r
from a town to provide a
I turned round and
exclaimed indignantly, —
''Bunch, bring in the lemon
bag," and Bunch appeared
with a bag containing a
doien lemons. He re-
randeiTully after that. Oh 1
rted ihal he goes to bed with con-
loienges of wild-duck, so as to have
the taste constantly in his mouth when he
awakes in the night.
VTES, I have the greatest possible respect
for him ; liue from his feeble voice, he
always reminds me of a liberal blue-bollle fly.
He gels his head down and his hand on your
button, and pours into you an uninterru])led
stream of whiggism in a low buiz. I have
known him intimately, and conversed con-
stantly with him for the last thirty years, and
give him credil for the most enlightened mind,
and a genuine love of public virtue ; but I can
safely say that during tbal period, I have never
beard one single syllable he has uttered.
Sydney Smith. 45
COMEONE having mentioned a certain
marriage as about to take place, Smith
said that it would be like the union of an acid
and an alkali ; the result must be a tertium
quidt or neutral salt.
— A/\/\/Vv —
J^ONCTON MILNES had been talking to
an Alderman, when the latter turned
away. Smith said to Milnes, ' ' You were speak-
ing to the Lord Mayor elect. I myself felt in
his presence like the Roman whom Pyrrhus
tried to frighten with an elephant and who—
remained calm. "
— vWVv^
/^THER rules vary: this is the only one
you will find without exception — that, in
this world, the salary or reward is always in the
inverse ratio of the duties performed,
COMEONE spoke of the financial embarrass-
ment of University College at that time.
" Yes, it is so great that I understand they have
already seized on the air-pump, the exhausted
receiver, and galvanic batteries ; and that bailiffs
have been seen chasing the Professor of Modern
History around the quadrangle."
46 Bon-Mots.
T N talking of the Irish Church and pronounc-
ing it a nuisance, Sydney Smith said, "I
have always compared it to setting up butcher's
shops in Hindostan, where they don't eat meat.
' We don't want this,' they say. ' Aye, aye,
true enough, but you must support our shop.* "
/^H ! don't read those twelve volumes till
they are made into a consomnU of two.
Lord Dudley did still better, he waited till they
blew over.
— vV/\/Vv—
A JOKE goes a long way in the country. I
have known one last pretty well for seven
years. I remember making a joke, after a
meeting of the clergy in Yorkshire, where there
was a Reverend Mr Buckle who never spoke,
when I gave his health saying that he was a
buckle without a tongue. Most persons within
hearing laughed, but my next neighbour sat
unmoved and sunk in thought. At last, a
quarter of an hour after we had all done, he
suddenly nudged me, exclaiming —
" I see now what you meant, Mr Smith ;
you meant a joke."
"Yes, sir," I said, "I believe I did," upon
which he began laughing so heartily that I
thought he would choke and was obliged to
pat him on the back.
Sydney Smith. 47
"M'EVER neglect your fireplace : I have paid
great attention to mine, and could burn
you all out in a moment. Much of the cheer-
fulness of life depends upon it. Who could be
miserable with that fire ? What makes a fire
so pleasant is, I think, that it is a live thing in
a dead room.
C YDNEY SMITH was sitting at breakfast one
morning in the library at Combe Florey,
when a poor woman came begging him to
christen a new-bom
infant without loss
of time, as she
thought it was dy-
ing. He instantly
quitted the break-
fast table for this purpose,
and went off to her cottage.
On his return, his family en-
quired in what state he had
left the poor babe. "Why,' said he, "I just
gave it a dose of castor-oil, and then I christened
it; so now the poor child is ready for either
world."
— wvw —
TTO
take Macaulay out of literature and
society, and put him in the House of
Commons, is like taking the chief physician out
of London during a pestilence.
48 Bon-Mots.
JJ ARROGATE seemed to me to be the
most heaven-forgotten country under the
sun. When I saw it there were only nine
mangy fir-trees there — and even they all leant
away from it.
— /\/\/\/V>. —
'V'ES, he has spent all his life in letting down
empty buckets into empty wells, and he
is frittering away his age in trying to draw them
up again.
— W\/W—
TT is a great proof of shyness to crumble
your bread at dinner. I do it when I sit
by the Bishop of London, and with both hands
when I sit by the Archbishop.
— WVW—
'IXTHEN so showy a woman as Mrs S.
appears anywhere, though there is no
garrison within twelve miles, the horizon is im-
mediately clouded with majors.
— A/\/\/V>. —
COMEONE naming a friend as not very
orthodox, Smith said that if you accuse a
man of being a Socinian it is all over with him ;
for the country gentlemen all think it has some-
thing to do with poaching.
Sydney Smith. 49
X}£RS having praised the gentleness of
Smith's horse, " Yes," said Smith, " it is
OSS of the rocking horse. "
— W\/W—
ARRIAGE resembles a pair of shears, so
joined that they cannot be separated;
n moving in opposite directions, yet always
ishing anyone who comes between them.
ME evening at Sydney Smith's house, a few
friends had come in to tea, amongst others
d Jeffrey and Doctor Holland. Some one
ke of Talleyrand.
Oh," said Sydney, "Lady Holland laboured
issantly to convince me that Talleyrand was
2eable, and was very angry because his
val was usually a signal for my departure ;
, in the first place, he never spoke at all till
had not only devoured, but digested his
ner, and as this was a slow process with
I, it did not occur till everybody else was
ep, or ought to have been so ; and when he
speak he was so inarticulate I could never
ierstand a word he said."
It was otherwise with me," said Doctor
Hand, "I never found much difficulty in
owing him."
D
50
Bon-Mots.
• ' Did not you ? why it was an abuse of terms
to call it talking at all ; for he had no teeth,
and, I believe no roof to his mouth — no uvula
— no larynx — no trachea — no epiglottis — no
anything. It was not talking, it was gargling ;
and that by-the-bye, now I think of it, must be
the very reason why Holland understood him
so much better than I did."
II
A LADY visitor was walking with Sydney
Smith round the grounds at Combe Florey,
when they came across a fine Newfoundland
dog. ' ' Oh, Mr Smith, why do you
chain him up?" .asked the visitor.
" Because he has a passion for
breakfasting on parish boys."
"Does he really eat boys, Mr
Smith?"
Yes, he devours them, buttons and all."
The look of horror on his young friend's face,
said Sydney afterwards, nearly made him die
of laughing.
T LIKE pictures, without knowing anything
about them ; but I hate coxcombry in the
fine arts, as well as in anything else. I got into
dreadful disgrace with Sir George Beaumont
once, who, standing before a picture at Bowood,
exclaimed, turning to me —
Sydney Smith. 51
•' Immense breadth of light and shade I "
I innocently said, "Yes, about an inch and
a half." He gave me a look that ought to have
killed me.
r'ONVERSING, in the evening with a small
circle round Miss Berry's* tea-table Sydney
Smith observed the entrance of a no less
remarkable person both for
talents and for years, dressed
in a beautiful crimson velvet
gown. He started up to meet
his fine old friend, exclaim-
ing, "Exactly the colour of
my preaching cushion," and
leading her forward to the
light he pretended to be lost
in admiration, saying, " I
really can hardly keep my
hands off you ; I shall be preaching on you I
fear," and thus he continued in the same play-
ful strain to the infinite amusement of his old
friend and the little.circle assembled round her.
pALMERSTON'S manner of speaking is
like a man washing his hands ; — the
Scotch members don't know what he is doing.
* Miss Berry had been a friend of Doctor Johnson's.
52 Bon-Mots.
J^ANIEL WEBSTER struck me as being
much like a steam-engine in trousers.
— ^/\/\/Vv^
/^N one occasion Sydney Smith startled his
company with a conundrum, " Why is a
horse in good condition like a greyhound in
bad? — Because they neither turn a hare,''
— vVWv^
•' J WISH," said Smith once, after listening
for some time to his conversational rival,
•'that Macaulay would see the difference
between colloquy and soliloquy."
-v\/\/\/W-
TVTACCULLOCH having stated that burials
were no test of the number of deaths,
••What," said Sydney, "do you mean that
people keep private burying-grounds, like
skittle-grounds ? "
ID OGERS having asked Sydney Smith what
attitude he recommended him to be
taken in, was told, " There is a very expressive
one we of the clergy use in first getting up into
the pulpit, which might suit you very well"
(covering his face with his hands).
Sydney Smith. 53
A FRIEND commenced saying, " I think I
may assert without fear of contradiction — "
" Stop, sir," said Smith, " are you acquainted
withMrHallam?"
— ^/\/\/W—
C YDNEY SMITH, at a dinner party, said to
his next neighbour, "Now, I know not
a soul here present, except you and our host ;
so, if I by chance insult or dishonour any of
their brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, or cousins,
I take you to witness it is unintentional. "
— v\/\/Vv^
'T'HERE are many people who run about
after happiness like an absent-minded
man hunting for his hat, which all the while
is on his head.
— vWW—
A FINE ideal statue of Satan by Mr Lough
failed to find a purchaser, so Sydney
Smith suggested that it should be presented to
the Reform Club, because ' ' the devil was the
first Reformer, and came to grief in Heaven for
the too great zeal, indiscretion, and un-
timeliness with which he agitated the Reform
question ! "
54 Bon-Mots,
C YDNEY SMITH would often illustrate the
weaknesses or foibles of his friends in a
telling manner. He said once that Rogers had
been in a very bad humour at a dinner party,
for Luttrell had been helped to bread sauce
before him.
— v\/\/V\^—
/^H ! the observances of the Church concern-
ing feasts and fasts are tolerably well kept,
upon the whole, since the rich keep the feasts
and the poor the fasts.
r^N one occasion a man on the Foston
Rectory farm blundered to such an extent
that Sydney Smith quite lost his temper, and
called him a fool.
" God never made a fool," growled the trans-
gressor.
"That is quite true, sir," was the immediate
retort, " but man was not long in making a fool
of himself."
— vv\/\/v—
pROKER, according to Sydney Smith, would
be found at a future moment disputing
with the recording angel as to the date of his
sins. . .
Y^ILLIAM CHAMBERS, in eonversalbn
with Sydney Smith, claimed for Ihe
Scotch that they hajl after all a consideralile
fund of humour. "Ob, by all means — you
are an immensely funny people, but you need
n little operating upon lo lei the fun out, I
know no instrument so effectual foe the pur-
f)ii I don'l mind the caprices of fashionable
women,— they are as gross as poodles fed
on milk .ind muffins.
56 Bon-Mots.
TXT" HEN I was going to Brougham Hall, two
raw Scotch girls got into the coach in
the dark, near Carlisle. "It is very disagree-
able getting into a coach in the dark," exclaimed
one, after arranging her bandboxes; "one can-
not see one's company."
' ' Very true, ma'am ; and you have a great
loss in not seeing me, for I am a remarkably
handsome man."
" No, sir ! are you really ?" said both.
" Yes, and in the flower of my youth."
"What a pity," said they.
We soon passed near a lamp-post : they both
darted forward to get a look at me.
" La, sir, you seem very stout."
"Oh no, not at all, ma'am; it's only my
greatcoat."
"Where are you going, sir?"
"To Brougham Hall."
"Why, you must be a very remarkable man
to be going to Brougham Hall."
" I am a very remarkable man, ma'am."
At Penrith they got out after having talked
incessantly, and tried every possible means to
discover who I was, exclaiming as they went
off laughing, "Well, it's very provoking we
can't see you; but we'll find out who you
are at the ball. Lord Brougham always
comes to the ball at Penrith, and we shall
certainly be there, and shall soon discover your
name."
Sydney Smith. 57
C YDNEY SMITH had proposed that Govern-
ment should pay the Irish CathoHc priests.
"They would not take it," said Doctor Doyle.
" Do you mean to say that if every priest in
Ireland received to-morrow morning a govern-
ment letter with a hundred pounds, first quarter
of their year's income, that they would refuse
it."
"Ah, Mr Smith," said Doctor Doyle, ' ' you've
such a way of putting things."
"IXTE find Sydney Smith uttering a wish to
capture a Pennsylvanian, apportion his
raiment, and give his coat to the widow, his
waistcoat to the fatherless, and his breeches to
the poor and them that had none to help them.
For the witty Canon was a Pennsylvanian bond-
holder, and the State had repudiated.
'T'HERE I am, sir, the priest of the Flowery
Valley,* in a delightful parsonage, about
which I care a good deal, and a delightful
country about which I do not care a straw.
T THINK breakfast so pleasant because no
one is conceited before one o'clock.
* Combe Florey.
58 Bon-Mots.
T^ESCRIBING a visit to Mahomet's Baths at
Brighton, where he had been shampooed,
Sydney Smith said that they squeezed enough
out of him to make a lean curate.
— ^/\/\/Vv^
/^NE day Rogers took Tom Moore and
Sydney Smith home in his carriage from
a breakfast ; and insisted on showing them, by
the way, Dryden's house in some
obscure street. It was very wet ;
the house looked very much like
other old houses ; and having thin
shoes on, they both remonstrated,
but in vain. Rogers got out and
stood expecting them.
** Oh ! you see why Rogers don't
mind getting out," said Smith to
Moore, laughing and leaning out of
the carriage, "he has got goloshes on; but,
Rogers, lend us each a golosh and we will then
stand on one leg and admire as long as you
please."
-^^j\/\/v» —
"^XT" HY don't the thieves dress with aprons —
so convenient for storing any stolen
goods ? You would see the Archbishop of York
taken off at every race-course, and not a prize-
fight without an archdeacon in the paws of the
police.
Sydney Smith. 59
A YOUNG lady said, " Oh, Mr Smith, I can-
not bring this flower to perfection."
" Then let me lead," said he gallantly, taking
her hand, ** perfection to the flower."
— ^/\A/W—
"DENEVOLENCE is a natmal instinct of
the human mind. — When A sees B in
grievous distress, his conscience always urges,
him to entreat C to help him.
— WWv—
•yHE conversation at one of Roger's breakfasts
turned upon the American treatment of
unpopular persons. "My dear Rogers," said
Smith, " if we were both in America, we should
be tarred and feathered ; and, lovely as we are
by nature, I should be an ostrich, and you an
emu."
-W\/\/Vv—
/^N an old lady friend being mentioned,
Smith said that she was perfection, and
always reminded him of an aged angel.
-^^/\/\/Vw —
"IXTHEN I praised the author of the New
Poor Law the other day, three gentle-
men at table took it to themselves and blushed
up to the eyes.
6o Bon-Mots,
T N Sydney Smith's last illness, we are told that
the nurse who attended him confessed to
having given him a bottle of ink instead of a
bottle of physic. He quietly asked her to bring
him all the blotting-paper there was in the
house.
— vWW—
QOMEONE having said that it was foolish in
General Fitzpatrick to insist upon going
up alone in the balloon, when it was found that
there was not force enough to carry up two,
Sydney Smith replied that it was not foolish in
General Fitzpatrick, for there is always some-
thing sublime in sacrificing to great principles
— his profession was courage.
'T'RUE, it is most painful, not to meet the
kindness and affection you feel you have
deserved ; but it is a mistake to complain of it
— you cannot extort friendship with a cocked
pistol.
— ^yvvw —
A FRIEND meeting Sydney Smith enquired
after Rogers.
" He is not very well."
* • Why , what is the matter ? "
"Oh, don't you know, he has produced a
Sydney Smith. 6i
couplet ? When our friend is delivered of ft
couplet, with infinite labour and pains, he lakes
to his bed, lias straw laid down, the knocker
tied up, and expects his friends lo call and
make enquiries, and the answer at the door
invariably is ' Mr Risers and his Utile couplet
are as well as can be expected.' When he
produces an Alexandrine he keeps his bed a
day longer."
"a beautiful landscape by
Nicholas de Falda, a pupil
of Valdeggio, the only paint*
ingbythal eminent artist! "
He consulted two R.A.S
when he had set them con-
sidering what opportunities
were likely to occur, added,
by way of afier-lhought, "Oh, I ought to have
told you, though, thai my outside price for a
picture is thirty-five shillings 1 "
62 Bon-Mots.
T ORD JOHN RUSSELL said that Sydney
Smith told him that at one time he had
an intention of writing a book of maxims, but
never got beyond the first, which was this:
Generally towards the age of forty, women
got tired of being virtuous, and men of being
honest.
— vy/VW—
TLTAVING seen in the newspapers that Sir
^neas Mackintosh was come to town,
Smith drew such a ludicrous caricattu'e of Sir
JEneas and Lady Dido, for the amusement of
their namesake, that Sir James Mackintosh
rolled on the floor in fits of laughter, and
Sydney Smith, striding across him, exclaimed,
'' Ruatjusiitiar
-v\/\/\/W-
" T CALLED on John Taylor," says Crabb
Robinson in his Diary. "He is the
eldest of the Norwich family. One of our best
men in all respects. It was of this family that
Sydney Smith said, they reversed the ordinary
saying, that it takes nine tailors to make a
man."
— wy/vw—
/^NE evening when Sydney Smith and Tom
Moore were returning from a dinner-party
at the Longmans', the road being rather
Sydney Smith. 63
awk^v-ard, the coachman was desired to wait at
the bottom. " It would never do," said Smith
to Moore, "when yom- Memoirs come to be
written, to have it said ' He went out to dinner
at the house of his respectable publishers,
Longmans & Co. , and being overturned on his
way back was crushed to death by a large
clergyman.'"
— WVW—
C AMUEL ROGERS used sometimes at his
dinner parties to have candles placed high
up all round the dining room
to show off the pictures. On
his asking Sydney Smith what
he thought of the plan, Smith
said that he didn't like it at
all, — above there was a blaze
of light, and below nothing but darkness and
gnashing of teeth.
— ^\/\/\/w—
CYDNEY SMITH characterised a good,
unworldly, yet witty young curate, as a
"happy union of Dean Swift and Parson
Adams."
"XXTHAT I have said ought to be done,
generally has been done ; not, of course,
because I have said it, but because it was no
longer possible to avoid doing it.
64 Bon-Mots.
"TJUELS were under discussion, and Syc
Smith caused much amusement
suggesting that the weapons should be su
to the professions of the combatants. ' ' Imag
for instance two doctors engaged in a duel \
oil of croton on the tips of their fingers."
— fj\j\j\f» —
/^NE evening when Sydney Smith was tal
tea with Mrs Austin, the servant entc
the crowded room with a tea-kettle in his ha
and it seemed doubtful how he could make
way among the numerous groups ; but on
first approach of the steaming kettle, the crc
receded on all sides, Smith among the r
though carefully watching the progress of
lad to the table. — " I declare," he said, turn
to Mrs Austin, "a man who wishes to m
his way in life, could do nothing better than
through the world with a boiling tea-kettle
his hand."
— v\/\/W—
T HAVE divided mankind into classes. Tt
is the Noodle, — very numerous, but ^
known. The Affliction-woman, — a valus
member of society, generally an ancient spins
or distant relation of the family, in sr
circumstances : the moment she hears of !
Sydney Smith. 65
accident or distress in the family, she sets off,
packs up her little bag, and is immediately
established there, to comfort, flatter, fetch and
carry. The Up-takers, — a class of people who
only see through their fingers' ends, and go
through a room taking up and touching every-
thing, however visible and however tender.
The Clearer 5, — who begin at the dish before
them, and go on picking or tasting till it is
cleared, however large the company, small the
supply, and rare the contents. The Sheep-
walkers^ — those who never deviate from the
beaten track, who think as their fathers have
thought since the Flood, who start from a new
idea as they would from guilt. The Lemon-
squeezers of society, — people who act on you as
a wet blanket, who see a cloud in the sunshine,
the nails of the coffin in the ribbons of the bride,
predictors of evil, extinguishers of hope ; who,
where there are two sides, see only the worst, —
people whose very look curdles the milk, and
sets your teeth on edge. The Let-well-alone rs,
— cousins-germane to the Noodle, yet a variety ;
people who have begun to think and to act, but
are timid, and afraid to try their wings, and
tremble at the sound of their own footsteps as
they advance, and think it safer to stand still.
Then the Washerwomefi , — very numerous, who
exclaim, '• Well ! as sure as ever I put on my
best bonnet, it is certain to rain," &c. There
are many more, but I forget them.
E
66 Bon-Mots.
TWINING one day at Mrs Kinglake's (the
mother of the historian), Sydney Smith
was asked if he would behave as a neighbour-
ing clergyman had done, and refuse to bury a
Dissenter.
" On the contrary," he replied, " I should be
only too glad to bury them all."
— A/wv^. —
TLJAVING been asked to give an account of
the books he had been reading, Sydney
Smith said, "I cannot tell you a thing about
them — neither can I catalogue the legs of
mutton that I have eaten, and which have
made me the man I am."
— Afi/\^ —
^F Macaulay, Sydney Smith once said, "Oh
yes, we doiA talk a great deal; but I
don't believe Macaulay ever did hear my voice.
Sometimes when I have told a good story, I
have thought to myself: — Poor Macaulay! he
will be very sorry some day to have missed
hearing that. "
\^HEN his physican advised him to " take a
walk upon an empty stomach," Smith
quietly asked, ' ' Whose ? '
"THE charm of London is thai you are nevei'
glad or sorry for len minules logether ;
in the country you are the one and ihe other for
A H 1 what female heart can withstand a red-
coal ? I think this should be a part of
female education ; it is much neglecled. As
you have the rocking-horse ^_^ ^
myself in com pan)
country house of a
friend once; and as
a military dL'finitJon
" was a d — dcockec. ^
and virtue (striking: Ihe table uilh his list
lo enforce the description), was a fellow
fenced about for Ihe good of ihe service."
We all burst into such an uncontrollable
paroxysm of laughter, that I began to fear the
68 Bon-Mots.
honest colonel might think it for the good of the
service to shoot us through the head ; so, for
the good of the Chtu-ch, hastened to agree with
him, and we parted very good friends.
/^ ALLING one day to inquire after the health
of Dr Blake of Taunton, a Radical and a
Unitarian, Smith was greeted with the state-
ment, "I am far from well. Though I sit
close by a good fire I cannot keep myself
warm."
*' I can cure you, doctor," said his visitor, as
he prepared to go ; " cover yourself with the
Thirty-Nine Articles, and you will soon have a
delicious glow all over you."
CIMPLICITY is a great object in a great
book ; it is not wanted in a short one.
— A/\/vw—
/^N Sydney Smith once saying, in company,
that he was formerly very shy, some one
asked, "Were you indeed, Mr Smith? How
did you cure yourself? "
' ' Why, it was not very long before I made
two very useful discoveries : first, that all man-
kind were not solely employed in observing me
Sydney Smith. 6^
(a belief that all young people have) ; and next,
that shamming was of no tise ; that the world
was very clear-sighted, and soon estimated a
man at his just value. This cured me ; and I
determined to be natural, and let the world find
me out."
•yHE system of tithes I It is an atrocious
way of paying the clergy. The custom
of tithe in kind will seem incredible to our
posterity ; no one will believe in the rami-
ferous priest officiating in the corn field.
— A/\/\/\/>i —
"V'OU will generally see in human life, the
round men and the angular men planted
in the wrong hole; but the Bishop of - — ,
being a round man, has fallen into a triangular
hole, and is far better off than many triangular
men who have fallen into round holes.
— awv^.—
/^F a certain writer Smith said that he made
all the country smell like Piccadilly.
— A/y/\/\/v—
T ONCE saw a dressed statue of Venus in a
serious house — the Venus Millinaria.
70 Bon-Mots.
r\F course if I ever do go to a fancy dress
ball I should go as a Dissenter.
— A/y/\/\/v—
T ALWAYS tell Lady P. that she has pre-
served the two impossible concomitants of
a London life — a good complexion and a good
heart. Most London dinners evaporate in
whispers to one's next door neighbour. I make
it a rule never to speak a word to mine, but
fire across the table ; though I broke it once
when I heard a lady who sat next me, in a low,
sweet voice, say "No gravy." I had never
seen her before, but I turned suddenly round
and said, "Madam, I have been looking for
a person who disliked gravy all my life ; let us
swear eternal friendship." She looked aston-
ished, but took the oath, and what is better,
kept it. You laugh — but what more usual
foundation for friendship, let me ask, than
similarity of taste ?
Sydney Smith. 71
C PEAKING of a Revolutionist, Sydney Smith
said that no man could effect great bene-
fits for his country without some sacrifice of the
minor virtues.
— WVV^'^"
/^N being overtalked by Macaulay, Sydney
Smith avenged himself with the pleas;intry
that Macaulay not only overflowed with learn-
ing, but stood in the slops.
TN a discussion ui>on the ever-green Irish
question, Sydney Smith said that the object
of all government was roast meat, potatoes,
claret, a stout constable, an honest jnstice, a
clean highway, a free chapel ; that it was
rubbish to be bawling in the streets about the
Emerald Isle, and the Isle of the ocean. The
bold anthem of Erin go bragh I A far better
one would be Erin go dread and cheese ; Erin
go cabins that keep out the rain; Erin go
pantaloons without holes in them, &c.
— v\/\/Vv—
JEFFREY having been appointed Dean of
the Faculty of Advocates, Sydney Smith
startled a lady from beyond the Tweed with
the alarming announcement that in England
our Deans have no faculties.
72 Bon-Mots.
'\7'ES, he came once to see us in Yorkshire;
and he was so small and so active, that he
looked exactly like a little spirit running about
in a kind of undress without a body.
" TN a wet summer," said Sydney Smith, "I
had been using the anti-liquid prayer, so
Allen put up a barometer in the vestry, and
remained there during the rest of the service to
watch the effects ; but, I am sorry to say, did
not find them very satisfactory."
— Afi/\^ —
'T'HIS is the only sensible Spring 1 ever re-
member — a perfect March of intellect.
— VN/VW—
CMITH objected to the superiority of a city
feast, saying to a friend, '* I cannot wholly
value a dinner by the test you do.''
'yO his friends Mrs Tighe and Mrs CufFe, on
their calling upon him. Smith paid a pretty
compliment, ' ' Ah ! there you are : a cuff that
everyone would wear, the tie that none would
loose. "
;r for refusing to pay til
•TOM MOORE was enlarging upon a pel
theory of bis that women could bear pain
better [han men be-
cause of their having
less physical sensibili-
mously exclaimed
against. Hcofferedto
put it to the test by
bringing in a hot lea-pol,
which he would answer
for the ladies of Ihe parly
being able to hold for a
much longer time than
Ihe men. Sydney Smilh
at once began comically
enlarging upon Moore's
cruelly to the female part of the creation, and
the practice he must have had in such experi-
" trying Ihe sex with hotlea-pols; the burning
ploughshare was nothing to iL I ihinit I hear
his terrific tone in a l(lt-H-llle—' Bring a lea-
potl'"
74 Bon- Mots.
A FEW yards in London dissolve or cement
friendship.
CYDNEY SMITH had not much sympathy
with the increase of colonial bishops — or
"colonial mitrophilism " as he termed it —
saying that soon there would not be a rock in
the sea on which a cormorant can perch, but
they would put a bishop beside it
— vVWv^-
A FRIEND complaining of the interminable
length of speeches in the House of
Commons, Sydney Smith said, "Don't talk to
me of not being able to cough a speaker down
— ^just try the whooping cough ! "
-w\/\/\/V\i —
" TV/TACAULAY is improved! Macaulay
improves ! " exclaimed Sydney Smith
of his great rival talker, ' ' I have observed in
him of late — brilliant flashes of silence ! "
-w\/\/\/V\i —
TF you are every day thinking whether you
have done anything for the Flowers of His-
tory, of course you will be unhappy.
Sydney Smith. 75
AT one of Rogers' "breakfasts" at which
Hallam was present, Jeffrey arrived late.
** Ah ! " exclaimed Sydney Smith, greeting him,
"we know you have been detained trying the
case of Hallam v. Everybody."
T CANNOT cure myself of punctuality.
Vl RS MARCET having complained of sleep-
lessness, Sydney Smith said, " I can
furnish you with a perfect soporific. I have
published two volumes of sermons, take them
to l)ed with you. I recommended them once
to Blanco White, and, before the third page,
he was fast."
— ^\/\/\/v^. —
A T a meeting iit which Sydney Smith spoke
eloquently in favour of Catholic Emancipa-
tion in 1825, a poor clergyman whispered to
him that he was quite of his way of thinking,
— but had nine children.
"I begged he would remain a Protestant,
added Smith, in telling the story.
'T'HERE is no limit to Macaulay's knowledge,
on small subjects as well as great — he is
like a book in breeches.
J)URi
"Ohl" said Sydney Smilh, "one of Ihe
■eatesl difficulties I have had wiih my parish-
ners has been on the subject of dogs."
' ' How so ? " enquired Lord Spencer.
"Why, when I first went down into Yorkshire,
there had nol been a. resident clergyman in my
parish for a hundred and tirty years. Each
farmer kepi a huge masliff dog, ranging at
large, and ready to make his morning meal on
clergy or laity as best suited his particular
taste; 1 never could approach a cottage in
pursuit of my calling, but I rushed into
the jaws of one of these shaggy monsters. I
scolded, preached, and prayed without avail ;
Sydney Smith. 77
so I determind to try what fears for their pockets
might do. Forthwith appeared in the county
pxipers a minute account of a trial of a farmer
at the Northampton Sessions for keeping dogs
unconfined ; where said farmer was not only
fined five pounds, and reprimanded by the
magistrates, but sentenced to three months'
imprisonment. The effect was wonderful, and
the reign of Cerberus ceased in the land."
"That accounts," said Lord Spencer, "for
what has puzzled me and Althorp for many
years. We never failed to attend the Sessions
at Northampton, and we could never find out
how we had missed this remarkable dog case."
CYDNEY SMITH asked a friend how
herrings should be dressed — or should
they be eaten naked f
OOMEONE asked if a certain bishop was
not about to marry. " Perhaps he may,"
said Sydney, "Yet how can a bishop marry?
How can he flirt? The most he can say
is — ' I will see you in the vestry after service.' "
•T*HE Puseyite priest with his little volume of
nonsense.
78 Bon-Mots.
"LTAVE you heard of Niebuhr's discoveries?
All Roman history reversed. Tarquin
turning out an excellent family man, and
Lucretia a very doubtful character whom
Lady Davy would not have visited.
— A/\/\/Vv—
TV/TEN of small incomes, be it known, have
often very acute feelings; and a curate
trod on feels a pang as great as when a bishop
is refuted.
— A/\/\/\^< —
O YDNEY SMITH, when preaching in Edin-
burgh, seeing how almost exclusively
congregations were made up of ladies, took
for his text the verse from the Psalms, " Oh,
that men would therefore praise the Lord ! "
with facetious emphasis laid upon the word
men.
— A/\/\j^ —
T WILL do human nature the justice to say
that we are all prone to make o/Aer people
do their duty.
— wvw —
A/r R P said : * ' I always write best with
an amanuensis."
"Oh! but are you quite sure that he puts
down what you dictate, my dear P ?
Reeve is laid up wilh Ihe gouL
"Reeve with Ihe gout?"echoed Smilh, "I
ahould have thought rheumatism was good
enough for him."
/-)N one occasion, a gentleman in tl
^ wilh me, wilh whom I had been
ing for some time, suddenly looked oi
window as we approached
York, and said—
" There is a very clever
man, they say, but a
damned odd fellow, lives
near here— Sydney Smith,
1 believe."
"He may be ft very odd
bul odd as he is, he is he
very much al your servio
Poorman! Ilhoughthewould
have sunk into ]ils boots, and vanished through
the bed of the carriage, he was so distressed ; Init
I thought I had belter lell him al once, or he
might proceed lo say I luid murdered my grand-
molhcr, which I must have resented, you know.
8o Bon-Mots.
"P\EAN C ? Oh ! his only adequate pun-
ishment would be to be preached to death
by wild curates.
— A/\/\/\^ —
TV/TEETING a friend who had grown much
stouter, Smith greeted him with, "Why,
I didn't half see you when we met last year."
T_IAS W. increased his library? Yes, it has
overflowed all the lower rooms, and has
crawled up the staircase, and covers the walls
like an erysipelas.
— wy/vw—
C AID Smith of some one : — He has no com-
mand over his understanding ; it is always
getting between his legs and tripping him up.
— v\/\/Vv—
T ANDSEER said that with Sydney Smith's
love of humour it must be a great act of
self-denial to abstain from going to the theatres.
To this Smith replied that the managers were
very polite; they sent him free admissions
which he could not use, and he in return sent
them free admissions to St Paul's, which they
did not use.
Sydney Smith. 8i
" O^ my remarking," says Moore, ** how well
and good-humouredly our host had mixed
us all up together, Smith said, * That 's the great
use of a good conversational cook, who says to
his company, " I'll make a good pudding of
you " ; it *s no matter what you came into the
bowl, you must come out a pudding. " Dear
me," says one of the ingredients, ** wasn't I just
now an egg ? " but he feels the batter sticking to
him,'"&c.,&c.
— VNA/W—
C YDNEY SMITH once told a visitor to his
Yorkshire parsonage that the hams at his
table were the only genuine hams — other people's
were mere Shems and Japhets.
/^N Mrs Grote, gorgeous with a rose-coloured
turban, entering a drawing-room. Smith
said suddenly to his companion, ** Now I know
the meaning of the word grotesque."
TXTHEN Sydney Smith lost a few hundreds
by the Pennsylvania Bonds, a publisher
called on him offering to retrieve his fortunes,
if he would get up a three-volume novel.
"Well, sir," said Smith, after some seeming
F
82 Bon-Mots.
consideration, "if I do so, I can't travel out of
my own line, ne sutor ultra crepidam, I must
have an archdeacon for my hero, to fall in love
with the pew-opener, with the clerk for a con-
fidant — tyrannical interference of the church-
wardens — clandestine correspondence concealed
under the hassocks — appeal to the parishioners,
&c."
** All that, sir," said the publisher, " I would
not presume to interfere with ; I would leave it
entirely to your own inventive genius. "
"Well, sir, I am not prepared to come to
terms at present, but if ever I do undertake such
a work, you shall certainly have the refusal."
^NUMERATING and acting the different
sorts of hand-shaking to be met with in
society, Smith said there were : the digitory, or
one finger, exemplified in
Lord Brougham, who puts
forth his forefinger, and says
with his strong northern ac-
cent, " How flrrr^ you?" The
sepulchral or mortemain which was
Mackintosh's manner, laying his
open hand fiat and coldly against
yours. The high official, the Archbishop of
York's, who carries your hand aloft on a level
with his forehead. The rural or vigorous shake,
&c., &c.
Sydney Smith. 83
"TJESCRIBING the dining process by which
people in London extract all they can from
new literary lions, Smith was irresistibly comic :
Here 's a new man of genius arrived ; put on
the stew-pan, fry away; we'll soon get it all
out of him.
T^HE liberality of churchmen generally, is like
the quantity of matter in a cone — both get
less and less as they move higher and higher.
COMEONE at a dinner party sitting next to
Sydney Smith was talking of the value of
some landed property, and saying it was worth
five pounds a foot per annum. ' ' Ah ! " said
Smith, ' ' the price of a London footman six foot
high— thirty guineas a year."
"QISCUSSING a recent geological work,
Sydney Smith asked his listeners to imagine
an excavation at some distant date on the site
of St Paul's, a lecture by the Owen of a future
age on the thigh-bone of a minor Canon, or
the tooth of a Dean, — the form, qualities, the
knowledge, tastes, propensities, he would
discover from them.
84 Bon- Mots.
'\X7'E naturally lose illusions as we get older,
like teeth, but there is no one to fit a new
set into our understandings. I have, alas ! only
one illusion left, and that is the Archbishop of
Canterbury.
— WVW—
T ADY HOLLAND was of a somewhat
imperious nature, even with the great men
who foregathered at Holland House, and her
manner justified Smith s retort, when she said
to him, "Sydney, ring the bell."
"Oh yes!" he answered, "and shall I
sweep the room ? "
C OMEONE speaking of the utility of a certain
measure, and quoting a friend's opinion in
support of it, Sydney Smith broke in saying —
"Yes, he is of the utilitarian school. That
man is so hard you might drive a broad- wheeled
wagon over him, and it would produce no
impression ; if you were to bore holes in him
with a gimlet, I am convinced sawdust would
come out of him. That school treat mankind
as if they were mere machines ; the feelings or
affections never enter into their calculations.
If everything is to be sacrificed to utility, why
do you bury your grandmother at all ? Why
don't you cut her into small pieces at once, and
make portable soup of her?"
Sydney Smith.
8s
HTHE Hon. Mrs Norton was fanning Sydney
Smith when he suddenly asked, " Is East-
lake here? What a picture he would make!
Beauty fanning Piety — happy Piety ! "
— WVW—
C MITH once laughingly described his friends
in the next world. Of Cornewall Lewis
he said, "If he ever does go to Hades, his
punishment will be to sit book-less for ever.
treaty-less, pamphlet-less, grammar-less ; in
vain will he implore the Bishop of London,
sitting aloft, to send him one little treatise on
the Greek article, or one smallest dissertation
on the verbs in /u."
r^OVT is the only enemy which I don't wish
to have at my feet
86 Bon-Mots.
CYDNEY SMITH spoke of a certain kind
of charity as "the integumental charity
that covers so many sins."
— <\/V\/V\r—
A T a large dinner at Holland House, Sydney
Smith met a French savatit, who took it
upon himself to annoy the best disposed of the
company by a variety of freethinking sp)ecula-
tions.
"Very good soup this!" slyly struck in
Smith.
" Oui, monsieur, cest excellente /"
"Pray, sir," was the retort, which for that
time and place was worth a library of argument,
• ' do you believe in a cook ? "
— <s/\/\/Vv —
^OMING suddenly upon the great Jeffrey of
Edinburgh fame riding upon the children's
donkey. Smith hailed him thus —
Witty as Horatius Flaccus,
As great a Jacobin as Gracchus,
Short, though not as fat as Bacchus,
Riding on a little Jackass.
•T^HERE is a New Zealand attorney just ar-
rived in London, with 6s. 8d. tattooed all
over his face.
Sydney Smith. 87
g YDNEY SMITH, sitting by a brother clergy-
man at dinner, observed afterwards that
his dull neighbour had a twelve-parson power of
conversation.
T^HE Archbishop of York, an accomplished
rider, said to Sydney, who could not ride
at all, "I hear, Mr Smith, you do not approve
of much riding for the clergy."
'* Why, my lord," replied he, "perhaps there
is not much objection, provided they do not
ride too well, and stick out their toes pro-
fessionally."
/^NE day the conversation turned upon an
obstinate man who was full of prejudices.
Sydney Smith, who knew his character and
opinions, expressed despair, saying, "You might
as well attempt to poultice the humps off a
camel's back,"
JEFFREY, Sydney Smith, and other friends
paid a visit to Deville, the phrenologist,
incog.
"This gentleman's case," said Deville, feeling
Smith's bumps, ' ' is clear enough. His faculties
are Ihoss of a nahiralist, Hnd I see thi
gratifies them. This gentleman is al
happy among his collection of biids
"Sir," said Sydney Smith, lurning r
upon him solemnly with open eyes, "I i
know a fish from a bird."
" I am a great doctor ; would you like to hear
some of my medicines?"
" Oh yes, Mr Sydney."
"Well, then there is the Gentle-
jog, a pleasure (o lake it ; the
Bulldog, for more serious cases;
Peter's Puke; Heart's Delight,
the comfort of all the old women
in the village; Rub-a-dub, a capi-
tal embrocation ; Dead - stop,
settles the matter at once; Up-
with-it-then, needs no explana-
The visitor was then taken downstairs, and
entered a room filled entirely on one side with
medicines, and on the other with every descrip-
tion of groceries, and household or agricultural
"n the centre, a large chest forming
Sydney Smith. 89
a table, and divided into compartments for
soap, candles, salt, and sugar.
" Here you see," said Smith, spreading out
his hands and laughing, "every human want
before you, —
** Man wants but little here below,
As beef) veal, mutton, pork, lamb, venison show ! ''
C YDNEY SMITH described his arriving late
at a dinner, and how everyone was en-
gaged, " and there was Hallam with his mouth
full of cabbage and contradiction."
— ^N/\/\/W—
■\X7HEN informed that his daughter's
marriage had been announced in the
London papers, under Fashionable Intelligence,
Sydney Smith exclaimed with a merry twinkle
in his eye, " How absurd ! — Why, we pay our
bills ! "
'T^WO young ladies entering a drawing-room,
someone remarked to Sydney Smith what
a pretty contrast their different styles of beauty
90 Bon-Mots.
made. " Yes," responded he, " Miss L.
reminds me of a youthful Minerva ; and her
friend, as a doctor's daughter must, you know,
be the Venus de Medicis."
AT a large dinner party, the death of Dugald
Stewart was announced. The news was
received with so much levity by a lady of rank,
who sat by Sydney Smith, that he turned round
to her saying, ' ' Madam, when we are told of
the death of so great a man as Mr Dugald
Stewart, it is usual in civilised society, to look
grave for at least the space of five seconds. "
-W\/\/\/Vv.—
C YDNEY SMITH said in one of his writings
that a false quantity at the commencement
of the career of a young man intended for
public life, was rarely got over ; when a lady
asked him what a false quantity was, he ex-
plained it to be in a man the same as a faux
pas in a woman.
— WWv—
" /CORRESPONDENCES," said Smith to a
friend who complained about having had
no letters during a temporary absence, "are
like small clothes before the invention of sus-
penders — it is impossible to keep them up."
Sydney Smith. 91
AN argument arose in which Sydney Smith
observed how many of the most eminent
men of the world had been diminutive in person,
and after naming several among the ancients,
he added, "Why, look there, at Jeffrey; and
there is my little friend D — , who has not body
enough to cover his mind decently with; his
intellect is improperly exposed."
C YDNEY SMITH droUy described his friends
during an influenza epidemic, "and poor
Hallam was tossing and tumbling in his bed
when the watchman came by and called * twelve
o'clock and a starlight night'
" Here was an opportunity for controversy when
it seemed most out of the question ! Up Hallam
jumped with, * I question that, — I question
that ! Starlight ! I see a star, I admit ; but I
doubt whether that constitutes starlight.'
** Hours more of tossing and tumbling ; and
then comes the watchman again : * Past two
o'clock, and a cloudy morning. '
" * I question that, — I question that,' says
Hallam, and he rushes to the window and
throws up the sash — influenza notwithstanding.
* Watchman ! do you mean to call this a cloudy
morning? I see a star. And I question its
being past two o'clock — I question it, I question
it.'"
92 Bon-Mots.
T ESLIE, the Scotch philosopher, had called
upon Jeffrey, just as the latter was going
out riding, to ask him to explain some point
concerning the North Pole. Jeffrey, who was
in a hurry, exclaimed as he rode off, ** Oh !
damn the North Pole 1 **
This Leslie complained of to Sydney Smith,
who entered gravely into his feelings, and told
him in confidence, that he himself had once
heard Jeffrey speak disrespectfully of the
Equator.
/^H, dear me, yes, you find people ready
enough to do the Samaritan — without the
oil and twopence.
Sydney Smith. 93
'HERE being a rumour that in the event of
certain " Church Reforms," all the church
dignitaries would resign, Smith drew a picture
of the sad state the country would be in ; having
to send to America to borrow a bishop : ** Have
you such a thing as a bishop you could lend us ?
Shall keep him only a fortnight, and return
him with a new cassock," &c.
"IXTHEN Lord John Russell went to Exeter
after the defeat of the Reform Bill, the
people along the road w^ere much
disappointed at his smallness.
Sydney Smith told them that he
was much bigger before the Bill
was thrown out, but he was
reduced by excessive anxiety about
the people. This we are told
brought tears to their eyes.
O MITH, when he became Canon of St Paul's,
retained his Bristol appointment, and de-
scribed his alternation from town to country as
— dining with the rich in London, and physick-
ing the poor in the country ; passing from the
sauce of Dives to the sores of Lazarus.
94 Bon-Mots,
TVTY idea of heaven is, esXing foie gras to the
sound of trumpets.
— aAJS/S/^ —
"TJESCRIBING his home-life at Foston-le-
Clay, Sydney Smith told how, on siaie
occasions his carpenter. Jack Robinson, took
off his apron and waited at table, and did pretty
well too, though he sometimes naturally made
a mistake, and stuck a gimlet into the bread
instead of a fork.
— A/v/vv*- —
'\^HILE suffering from illness, during which,
however, his playfulness never left him,
Sydney Smith said that he felt so weak that
he verily believed, if the knife were put into his
hand he should not have strength or energy
enough to stick it in a Dissenter.
— <A/\/\/Vv —
"I^HEN there was a rumour that Rogers was
to be married, Sydney Smith, who never
tired of making fun out of the cadaverous poet,
suggested the two Miss Berrys as bridesmaids,
the sexton as best-man, and the Rev. Mr Coffin
(a clergyman known at that time in London) as
the proper person to officiate at the wedding,
which would of course take place in the Church
of St Sepulchre.
Sydney Smith. 95
"TJESCRIBING the starting of the Edinburgh
JReuieWt Sydney Smith said, '* I proposed
that we should set up a Review. This was
acceded to with acclamation. I was appointed
editor, and remained long enough in Edinburgh
to edit the first number of the Review. The
motto I proposed for the Review was —
' Tenui Musam meditamur avend. *
• We cultivate literature on a little oatmeal.'
But this was too near the truth to be admitted ;
so we took our present grave motto from
Publius Syrus, of whom none of us had, I am
sure, read a single line."
'M'OW I mean not to drink one drop of wine
to-day, and I shall be mad with spirits.
I always am when I drink no wine. It is
curious the effect a thimbleful of wine has upon
me ; I feel as flat as A.'s jokes ; it destroys my
understanding. I forget the numbers of the
Muses, — and think them thirty-nine, of course ;
and only get myself right again by repeating
the lines "Descend ye thirty-nine," and finding
it two feet too long.
T)ESCRIBING Nether Avon (near Salisbury),
the scene of his first curacy. Smith spoke
of it as a pretty feature in a plain face.
CMITH spoke of the Archdeaoon of New-
foundland as a man who sits bobbing for
rod. and pocketing every tenth fish.
to introduce lo you the ai
Sydney Smith. 97
gCOTLAND is only the knuckle end of
England.
— ^/y/\/Vv—
'T'ALLEYRAND was to be found so con-
stantly at Holland House that Sydney
Smith said anyone was sure of being Talley-
randed there.
CMITH described a dinner at his publishers'
(Longmans') : Rees carving plerutnque
secat res.
'T'ALKING of the bad effects of late hours,
Sydney Smith remarked of some dis-
tinguished diner out that there would be on his
tomb, "He dined late—" "and died early,"
added Luttrell.
T ORD LANSDOWNE having promised to
accompany Tom Moore to some Roman
Catholic religious establishment. Smith charged
Moore with a design upon Lansdowne's ortho-
doxy, and recommended that there should be
some sound Protestant tracts put up with the
sandwiches in the carriage.
98 Bon- Mots.
'T'HERE arose a discussion On the Inferno of
Diiiile, and Ihe tortures he bad invented.
" He may be a great poet," said Sydney
Smith, "but as to inventing tortures, I consider
him a mere bungler, — no imagination — no
knowledge of Ihe human heart. If I had taken
it in band, I would show you what toiture
really was. For instance (turning to hisfriend,
Mrs Marcet), you should be doomed to listen
for a thousand years to conversations between
Cai-ohne and Emily, where Caroline should
always give wrong explanations in chemistry,
and Emily in Ihe end be unable to distinguish
an acid from an alkali.
"You, Macaulay, let me consider — oh, you
should be dumb. False dates and facts of the
reign of Queen Anne should for ever be shouted
in your ears, all liberal and honest opinions
should be ridiculed in your presence ; and you
Sydney Smith. 99
should not be able to say a single word during
that period in their defence."
"And what would you condemn me to, Mr
Smith ? " said a young mother.
"Why you should for ever see those three
sweet little girls of yours on the point of falling
downstairs, and never be able to save them.
There — what tortures are there in Dante equal
to these?"
"TJON'T you know, as the French say, there
are three sexes — men, women, and clergy-
men.
T ADY CORK was once so moved by a
charity sermon, that she begged me to
lend her a guinea for her contribution. I did
so. She never repaid me, and spent it on
herself.
T TNDER the last regimen of his physician,
Sydney Smith exclaimed to a friend,
"Ah! Charles, I wish I were allowed to eat
even the wing of a roasted butterfly."
— ^WW—
'IXT'HAT a pity it is that in England we have
no anmsements but vice and religion.
loo Bon-Mots.
^IXTHEN I began to thump the cushion of
my pulpit on first coming to Foston,
as is my wont when I preach, the accumulated
dust of a hundred and fifty years made such a
cloud, that for some minutes I lost sight of my
congregation.
" AAT'E were savage," said Smith, recalling the
early days of the Edinburgh Review.
" I remember how Brougham and I sat trying
one night how we could exasperate our cruelty
to the utmost. We had got hold of a poor
nervous little vegetarian, who had put out a
poor silly little book, and when we had done
our review of it, we sat trying to find one more
chink, one more crevice, through which we
might drop in one more drop of verjuice to eat
into his bones."
— ^A/\/Vv—
JJOLDING forth to a laughing circle on the
subject of tithes and the Tripartite
division, Sydney Smith said, " I am sorry to tell
you that the great historian, Hallam, has
declared himself in favour of the Tripartite,
and contends that it was so, in the age of King
Fiddlefred; but we of the Church," he con-
tinued, slapping his breast mock-heroically,
"say, ' a fig for King Fiddlefred ; we will keep
our tithes to ourselves.' "
Sydney Smith. loi
"TJANTE- in his Purgatorio would have as-
signed five hundred years of assenting to
Hallam, and as many to Rogers of praising
his fellow-creatures.
— "A/S/V^ —
•T^ALKING of absence of mind — the oddest
instance of absence of mind happened to
me once in forgetting my own name. I knocked
at a door in London ; asked, Is Mr B. at home?
" Yes, sir, pray what name shall I say?"
I looked into the man's face astonished :
"What name? what name? Ay, that is the
question. What is my name ? "
I believe the man thought me mad, but it is
literally true, that during the space
of two or three minutes, I had no
more idea of who I was than if I
had never existed. I did not
know whether I was a Dissenter
or a layman. I felt as dull as
Sternhold and Hopkins. At last,
to my great relief, it flashed across me that I
was Sydney Smith.
T HEARD of a clergyman who went jogging
along the road till he came to a turnpike —
"What is to pay?"
' ' Pay, sir, for what?" asked the turnpike man.
" Why, for my horse to be sure."
I02 Bon-Mots.
"Your horse, sir? What horse? There is
no horse, sir."
• ' No horse ? God bless me ! " said he,
suddenly looking down l)etween his legs, " I
thought I was on horseback."
— WVW—
CYDNEY SMITH said he was magnanimous,
when talking to Tom Moore and Miss
Berry, in avowing that he had never before
heard of Lamartine. Was it another name for
the blacking man ! Because, if so, he 's Martin
here, La-Martine in France, and Martin Luther
in Germany.
— ^\/\/\/v>< —
A FRIEND having said that bread was about
to be made from sawdust, Sydney Smith
imagined that people would soon have sprigs
coming out of them. Young ladies dressing
for a ball, would say, " Mamma, I 'm beginning
to sprout."
CUGGESTED derivations of words being
offered at a party. Smith gave nincompoop,
from non compos; cock-a-whoop, from the
taking the cock out of a barrel of ale,, and
setting it on the hoop to let the ale flow merrily.
Sydney Smith. 103
'T'ALKING of the mixture of character in
O'Connell, Sydney Smith summed up all
by saying, " The only way to deal with such a
man is to hang him up, and erect a statue to
him under his gallows."
QYDNEY SMITH'S advice to a writer in
composing was : — "As a general rule, run
your pen through every other word you have
written ; you have no idea what vigour it will
give your style."
p REACHING a charity sermon, Sydney
Smith frequently repeated the assertion
that, of all nations, the English were most
distinguished for generosity and the love of
their species. The collection was less than he
expected, and he said that he had evidently
made a great mistake, and that his expression
should have been that they were distinguished
for the love of their specie.
—i\t\j\f^ —
O OME young person answering on a subject
in discussion, "I don't know that, Mr
Smith."
"Ah, what you don't know would make a
great book," he said, smiling.
I04 Bon-Mots.
A DISCUSSION took place as to whether it
was better to hear or read Macaulay.
Rogers said, "the former, because you need
not listen. "
" Oh, I'm for the latter," said Sydney Smith,
' ' because you can't dog's-ear and interline him
and put him on the shelf when he is talking."
— A/\/\/Vv —
T DELIGHT in a stage coach and four, and
how could I have gone by one as Bishop?
I might have found myself with a young lady
of strong Dissenting principles,
who would have called for help
to disgrace the Church ; or with
an Atheist, who told me what
he had in his heart ; and when
I had taken refuge on the out-
side, I might have found an
Unitarian in the basket ; or if I
got on the box, the coachman might have told
me that "he was once one of those rascally
parsons, but had now taken to a better and an
honester trade."
" TF you Whigs send Campbell, Lord Chan-
cellor to Ireland, you will drive them
mad," said a friend.
"And a very short stage to go, my lord,"
replied Smith, "and no postilions to pay."
Sydney Smith. 105
'T'HEY now speak of the peculiar difficulties
and restrictions of the episcopal office.
I only read in Scripture of two inhibitions —
boxing and polygamy.
— A/\/\/V\< —
COON after Lord Lyndhurst became Lord
Chancellor, Sydney Smith, who was on
intimate terms with him, was present at a
dinner party at his house. The conversation
turned to the custom in India of widows burn-
ing themselves in their husbands' funeral pyre.
For the sake of the argument. Smith began to
defend the practice, and asserted that no wife
who truly loved her husband could wish to
survive him.
"But if Lord Lyndhurst were to die, you
would be sorry that Lady Lyndhurst should
burn herself?" was the sudden and embarrass-
ing question of one of the guests.
•'Lady Lyndhurst," came the deliberate
reply "would, no doubt, as an affectionate
wife, consider it her duty to burn herself, but
it would be our duty to put her out ; and, as
the wife of the Lord Chancellor, Lady Lynd-
hurst should not be put out like an ordinary
widow. It should be a State affair. First, a
procession of the judges, then of the lawyers — "
" But pray, Mr Smith, where are the clergy?"
"All gone to congratulate the new Lord
Chancellor," came the sly response.
io6 Bon-Mots.
TDABBAGE always seems at white he
ready to scorch up some rival man
science.
— a/\/\/Vs( —
/^N having some things charged at 1
Customs House, Smith enquired, " Um
what head?"
" Unmentioned articles," was the reply.
" I suppose, then, you would tax the Thir
nine?"
— aA/\/\/^ —
" TN the country ! " exclaimed Sydney Smi
"Oh, in the country I always fear tl
creation will expire before tea-time."
— A/\/\/Vv< —
'T'HE Archbishop of York having met with
accident, "Yes," said Smith, " he ]
sprained the Undo Athanasii, which in layn
is the tendo Achillis."
—*J\J\JVSF—
CMITH once gave a neat definition o
"card-sharper," — "One who sells 'c
rect cards,' and gets sent to jail because tl
prove incorrect."
Sydney Smilh. IQ?
AFTER allending Lady Essex's privole
theatricals. Sydney Smilh said that he
watched with intense anxiety for the slightest
approach of impropriety, (hat he might carry
off ihe Archbishop of York as the pious .Cneas
did his sire. •
AN officer having been publicly reproved by
■"■ the Duke of Wellington, Sydney Smith
said, " Hecan't live, you know: his wife and
children will be always in tear«, his poiniers
will bite him, tlic pew opener won't give him
a seat, the butcher won't trust him, his horse
will always kick him off— prussic acid will be
io8 Bon-Mots.
"MO railroad will be safe until they have made
a Bishop in partibus.
— *<j\j\j\t*—
A • MEMBER of Parliament having said that
if the Corn Laws were repealed, "we
should return to the food of our ancestors,"
some friend asked Smith, "What did he
mean ? '*
" Thistles, to be sure," was the reply.
—*j\l\l\t* —
OYDNEY SMITH having offered to call
somewhere, was told, "Do, we shall be
on our knees to you, if you come."
" I 'm glad to hear it," he replied, " I hke to
see you in that attitude, as it brings me in
several hundreds a year."
"NT EVER gamble at the game of life ; be con-
tent to play for sixpences ; marriage is too
high a stake for a wise man to risk.
CAID Smith to Mrs Grote, "Go where you
will, do what you please, I have the most
perfect confidence in your indiscretion,''
Sydney Smith. 109
CYDNEY SMITH once called the railway
whistle, "the attorney," because it is sug-
gestive of the shriek of a spirit in torment, • * and
we have no right to assume that any other class
of men is damned. '
A LADY told Smith that Macaulay had not
talked quite so much as usual.
" Why, my dear, how could he? Whenever
I gave him a chance, you cut in."
A N acquaintance of Sydney Smith's had been
platitudinising about the value of travel
— he of course having tra-
velled — and at length said,
" Do you see this stick, sir?
This stick has been all round
the world."
"Indeed," said Smith, "and yet it is only
a stick."
CMITH spoke of the knowledge sailors have
of ships at a great distance ; took them
off, saying, with a telescope to the eye, " Damn
her, she 's the ' Delight,' laden with tallow ! "
I lo Bon-Mots.
" 'T*HE entertainment of the clergy," Sydney
Smith described as, "that most solemn
and terrible duty of a Bishop."
COMEONE having remarked upon the
wonderful improvement in a friend since
his success. " Ah ! " exclaimed Sydney Smith,
" Praise is the best diet for us after all."
— A/\/\/V*< —
r\F the court of Chancery, Sydney Smith said
that it was like a boa constrictor ; it
swallowed up the estates of English gentlemen
in haste, and digested them at leisure.
— <v\/\/v^.—
A FRIEND asked Sydney Smith what was
Puseyism.
" Puseyism, sir," replied the witty Canon,
"is inflexion and genuflexion; posture and
imposture ; bowing to the east, and curtseying
to the west."
V\THY are old Tories like last year's wal-
nuts? Because they are troublesome
to Pee/.
Sydney Smith. 1 1 1
"^XTHEN Sydney Smith got the prebendal
stall in our cathedral (a Bristolian
recounts the story), he was lodging in College
Green ; and as his fame as a convivialist was not
then so noised and known as ^subsequently, he
was allowed to dine at home more frequently
than one would suppose ; and his dinner was
always a beefsteak, and that beefsteak he
always bought himself. I was then my own
purveyor, and there were few days when he
was in residence that I did not meet him at
Burge's in Denmark Street (his favourite
butcher, and mine), overseeing and selecting
his own cut. After Sydney had described a
circle with his finger round a cer-
tain pin-bone, and emphatically
told the man of fat to ' ' cut there,
and cut boldly," as the Roman
augur said, Burge turned to me
and asked, " And where will you
be helped, sir?"
••I'll follow suit," said I, "the cut next to
Mr Smith's. I can't go wrong with such a
precedent."
The Canon's droll eye twinkled ; his large,
pouting, and somewhat luxurious lip moved with
that comic twitch that spoke the man, as he
said, "You 're a wise man, sir; this is one of
the cases where you can't err if you follow the
Church, and you'll find your obedience re-
warded with a good beefsteak."
112 Bon-Mots,
C PEAKING of a noble lord, someone said
that he must have felt himself astonished
at becoming the father of a clever son.
"Yes,'" said Sydney Smith, "he must have
felt like a hen who has hatched a duck, and
sees it suddenly take to the water."
— aAJ\^ —
pASSING through a bye-street behind St
Paul's, Sydney Smith heaid two women
abusing each other from opposite houses.
"They will never agree," said he, "for they
argue from different premises."
C YDNEY SMITH said of a hospitable friend
of his in the Highlands, that he could
always tell the state of the weather by the
quantity of whiskey drunk in his house during
the day ; averring that the glass went up in the
hand as the mercury went down in the halL
— /\/\/Vw—
A COUNTRY squire having been worsted in
an argument with Sydney Smith, took
his revenge by remarking, " If I had a son who
was an idiot, by Jove, I *d make him a parson."
"Very probably," said Sydney Smith, "but I
see that your father was of a different mind."
Sydney Smith. 113'
AT n public dinner, three gentlemen having
at the same moment stood up for the
purpose of saying grace, Sydney Smith, who
was present, called them "the three Graces."
T ORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for
the smallness of his person, as Lord
Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a
house where Sydney Smith was a guest.
"Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney
Smith; "hiscorporeal anti-pait, LordNugenl,
is already here.
twallmii John I 1
pumps in case or a
1 14 Bon-Mots.
C PEAKING of a lady's smile, Sydney Smith
said it was so radiant that it would force
a gooseberry bush into flower.
r\F three sisters, Sydney Smith said that they
were all so beautiful that Paris could not
have decided between them.
— WV/W—
AT one of the Holland House dinner
parties, Crockford's Club, then forming,
was talked of, and the noble hostess observed
that the female passion for diamonds was
surely less ruinous than the rage for play
among men.
"In short, you think," said Rogers, "that
clubs are worse than diamonds. "
This excited a laugh, and when it had
subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the follow-
ing impromptu most appropriately on a
card —
** Thoughtless that * all that's brightest fades,'
Unmindful of the Knave of Spades,
The Sexton and his Subs :
How foolishly we play our parts I
Our wives on diamonds set their hearts^
And we our hearts on clubs V^
Sydney Smith. 115
TXT" HEN a body of horse guards were passing,
Sydney Smith turned to an officer who
was standing by him (Lord William Russell),
saying, ' ' I suppose you must now feel the same
in looking at those that I do in looking at a
congregation."
gOBUS SMITH and Sir Henry Holland
were talking of the comparative merits of
the learned professions in affording agreeable
members of society.
"Your profession (the law), for instance,
certainly does not make angels of men," said
Sir Henry.
" No," quietly answered Bobus, as he glanced
with an innocent air at the physician, "no —
but yours does 1 "
'pOM MOORE mentioned Kean's having
eked out his means of
living before he emerged into
celebrity by teaching dancing,
fencing, elocution, and box-
ing.
** Elocution and boxing,"
echoed Bobus Smith, "a word
and a blow."
ii6
Bon-Mots.
•IX7ILKIE was looking over "H.a's" early
sketches, and admiring some of them
as works of art, when, pointing to a bit in one
of them, he said, "That really reminds me of
Titian."
" Foliilclan ! " exclaimed Bobus.
SHERIDAN.
SHERIDAN.
BON-MOTS
OF
SHERIDAN.
TXTHILE at Harrow, we are told, Sheridan
was made a frequent butt for the ridicule
of the other boys, particularly those who were
born of great families, or to brighter prospects.
One of the most troublesome and impertinent
of these youths, the son of an eminent physician
in London, took occasion in the playground
to exercise his wit at the expense of Sheridan,
as being the son of a player. Sheridan, however,
quickly retorted, "'Tis true, my father lives
by pleasing people, but yours lives by killing
them."
I20 Bon-Mots.
/^NE day, meeting two royal dukes walking
up St James's Street, Sheridan was thus
addressed by the younger, "I say, Sherry, we
have just been discussing whether you are a
greater fool or rogue. What is your own opinion,
my boy ? "
Sheridan, having bowed and smiled at the
compliment, took each of them by an arm, and
instantly replied, " Why, i' faith, I believe I am
between both."
— '^/Ww—
T OOKING over a number of the Quarterly
Review one day at Brookes's, Sheridan
said, in reply to a gentleman who observed that
the editor, Gifford, had boasted of his power of
conferring and distributing literary reputation,
"Very likely, and in the present instance I
think he has done it so profusely as to have left
none for himself."
A DRURY LANE after-piece was chiefly
remarkable for the introduction of a
wonderful performing dog, and Sheridan and a
friend went to see the performance. As they
entered the green-room, Dignum (who played
in the piece) said to Sheridan with a woful
countenance —
"Sir, there is no guarding against illness : it
is truly lamentable to stop the run of a success-
ful piece like this ; but r«dly — "
Sheridan. iii
" Really whal^" cried Sheridan, inLernipting
" I am so unwell ihat I cannol go on longer
thanlo-nigbt"
"Youl" eitclaimed Sheridan, "my good
fellow, you terrified me ; I thought you were
going to say that the dog was taken ill."
gURKE in early life had attended a debating
society, which used to meet al a certain
baker's. OnamemorableoccasionintbeHouse
on ihe Ministerial benches, whence he rose and
made a brillant speech against his ci-devant
Sheridan, annoyed at the defection, said, ' ' The
122 Bon-Mots.
honourable gentleman, to quote his own ex-
pression, has quitted the camp; he will recollect
that he quitted it as a deserter, and I sincerely
hope he will never attempt to return as a spy ;
but I, for one, cannot sympathise in the
astonishment with which an act of apostacy so
flagrant has electrified the House ; for neither
I, nor the honourable gentleman, have for-
gotten whence he obtained the weapons which
he now uses against us : so far from being at
all astonished at the honourable gentleman's
tergiversation, I consider it not only character-
istic, but consistent, that he who in the outset
of life made so extraordinary a blunder as to go
to a baker's for eloquence, should finish such a
career by coming to the House of Commons to
get bread."
— W\/W—
«
AT the clos^ of Sheridan's unsuccessful
Westminster contest, it was hoped that
his noble Caledonian opponent (Lord Cochrane)
would drown the memory of differences in a
friendly bottle.
"With all my heart," said Sheridan, "and
will thank his lordship to make it a Scotch
pint."
TXTHEN Sheridan was asked what wine he
liked best, he said— other people's.
le of Coleridge's
p, drip — nothing
T-OWARDS Ihe close of Ibe Westminster
Election, when all the exertions of Sheri-
dan's friends had failed
good humour. A sailor,
ceedings, had climbed
one of the supports in
front of the hustings.
As Sheridan commenced
his speech, his eye fell
upon (he lar aloft, and
he turned Ihe incident to
ludicrous account by say-
ing that had he but other five hundred voters
as upright as the perpendicular gentleman before
him, they would yet place him where ** was—
at Ihe head of the pole I
c
UMBERLAND, the irritable
opponent o.
alln
fan
.ilyat
an early performance of i
thc5c4«.;/DJ
Sci.
inrffl/.
they were sealed in tl
le stage-box
124 Bon-Mots.
the little children screamed with delight, but
the less easily pleased fretful author pinched
them, exclaiming, " What are you laughing at,
my dear little folks? you should not laugh, my
angels, there is nothing to laugh at ! " and
then, in an undertone, "Keep still, you little
dunces." When Sheridan was told of this, he
said, "it was ungrateful of Cumberland to
have been displeased with his children for
laughing at my comedy, for when I went to see
his tragedy I laughed from beginning to end,"
— A/\/\/Vv. —
nrO Lord Holland Sheridan said one day:
" They talk of avarice, lust, ambition, as
great passions. Vanity is the great command-
ing passion of all. It is this that produces the
most grand and heroic deeds, or impels to the
most dreadful crimes. Save me from this
passion, and I can defy the others. They are
mere urchins, but this is a giant."
CHER I DAN was once talking to a friend
about the Prince Regent, who took great
credit to himself for various public occurrences,
as if they had been directed by his political
skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity ; ' ' but, "
said Sheridan, after expatiating on this, "what
his Royal Highnss more particularly prides
himself upon, is the late excellent harvest."
Sheridan. 125
AN unfortunate dramatist whose comedies,
when returned upon his hands, were
generally reduced by the managers from five
acts to two, or even one, complained in wrath
and bitterness to Sheridan, who attempted to
console him by saying, " Why, my good fellow,
what I would advise you is, to present a comedy
of a scare of acts, and the devil will be in it if
five be not saved."
TX7HEN seated at his window not long before
his death, seeing a hearse go by, Sheridan
exclaimed, "Ah, that is the carriage fl/?^r a///"
— v\/\/W—
CHAW, having lent Sheridan five hundred
pounds, dunned him for it. One day,
after rating Sheridan, he said he must have the
money. Sheridan, having played off some of
his plausible wheedling upon him, ended by
saying that he was very much in want of twenty-
five pounds to pay the expenses of a journey
he was about to take, and he knew Shaw would
be good-natured enough to lend it to him.
'•'Pon my word," said Shaw, "this is too
bad ; after keeping me out of my money in so
shameful a manner you now have the face to
ask me for more ; but it won't do — it is most
disgraceful, and I must have my money."
"My dear fellow," replied Sheridan, "do
A FRIENDLY wine merchttnl, Challie,
dining with Sheridan when a noble vis
invited ihe wil down to his country place
Sheiidan said (ha.t
to accept the inviiat
"By-lhe-bye, Chall
said Sheridan playfi
tal banker I "
A banker I " echoed Cha
ghing heartily at the ic
"a banker, Mr Sheridan I
so ? a banker and a wine merchant ? "
"The exact thing, my dear friend;
uniting the business of the wine merchant
banker, you could manage a capital busin
since for those who look your draughts c
night you could reciprocate by honouring 1
drafts in the morning."
Sheridan. 127
/^NE day a creditor came into Sheridan's
room for a bill, and found him seated
before a table on which two or three hundred
pounds in gold and notes were strewed.
"It's no use looking at that, my good
fellow," said Sheridan, "that is all bespoken
for debts of honour. "
"Very well," replied the tradesman, tearing
up his security and throwing it on the fire,
" now mine is a debt of honour."
" So it is, and must be paid at once," said
Sheridan, handing him over the money.
— WWv^
/^ANNING had nicknamed Lord Sidmouth
the Doctor, he being the son of a
physician, an intimate friend of the great
Lord Chatham. When the Scotch members
deserted the Addington Ministry upon a try-
ing vote, Sheridan said to the Premier, across
the table of the House, " Doctor ! the Thanes
fly from thee ! "
TXT^HEN Garrick retired from Drury Lane,
and sold his half interest in the theatre,
Sheridan purchased two-flfths of that half for
ten thousand pounds. All his friends and
acquaintances were curious to know how be got
128 Bon- Mots.
the money ; all kinds of rumours were rife, and
one friend went so far as to ask the dramatist
point blank where the money came from.
"Your importunities have prevailed," at
length replied Sheridan, with a convulsive
effort, assuming an extraordinary gravity of
manner, and with a tremulous, subdued, half-
suppressed voice, expressive of greatest agita-
tion, "and your curiosity must be gratified,
but I had hoped to have kept the secret con-
fined within my own breast, and to have borne
with its consuming fires even to the grave."
" Mr Sheridan, I — I really do not wish,"
exclaimed the other, but he was interrupted ere
the sentence could be concluded by the stem
theatrical air and gesture of Sheridan, as he
advanced towards him.
" Ay, sir, to the grave, where we might both
have mouldered and been forgotten."
" Really, and seriously, Mr Sheridan, I have
no desire to inquire into your secrets."
"But you have forced it from me, and
involved yourself in inextricable danger. Be
the peril, therefore, on your own head, since
you have obtained from me a confession which
no tongue should utter or ear should hear, and
which must necessarily involve yourself, by the
keeping of my secret, in my guilt."
" Mr Sheridan, this is really too serious a
matter — I beg your pardon— I really must beg
your pardon, and — good morning."
Sheridan. 129
"Stay, stay; yet hotd — let us see that we are
not observed, ihat no eavesdropper catch
the sound of our voices, or carry away the
slartUng evidence of our daring. "
"What in the name of heaven, Mr Sheridan,
do you allude to ? "
" Heaven has nothing 10 do with the damning
deedl"
The friend, paralysed, sunk almost fainting
in his chair, with the smell
of brimstone in his nostrils,
and the configuration of Friar
Bacon floating before his
eyes. Sheridan approached
the door of the apartment
with slow and measured step,
and holding the handle.
turned suddenly round upon
his bewildered friend —
"Swearl swear!" he cried,
"never 10 reveal my secret I"
"Oh, I never will, positive
upon my honour, never."
"lamsalisfied. Well then, '"—pausmK
for a moment, and assuming great anguish with
remorse depicted on his countenance, he con-
tinued, " since it must be so, I have discovered."
— and elevating his voice to the highest pilch,
he roared out,— " the philosopher's stone!"
saying which, he darted out of the room,
banging the door after him, and Ic.iving his
130 Bon- Mots.
bewildered auditor to revolve the matter in his
own mind, and digest it as he could. Sheridan
was a capital actor in his own jokes, and it was
a capital joke.
CHERIDAN, with his son Tom, was dining
one day at Peter Moore's, Tom being
then in a nervous debilitated state. The
servant, in passing quickly between the guests
and the fire-place struck down the plate warmer.
This made a strange rattle, and caused Tom
Sheridan to start and tremble. Peter Moore,
provoked at this, rebuked the servant and said,
" I suppose you have broken all the plates ? "
" No, sir," said the servant, " not one."
"No?" exclaimed Sheridan, "then, damn it,
you have made all that noise for nothing."
— v\/\/W—
A T one of Sheridan's Parliamentary election
contests, a person on horseback had pene-
trated the crowd near the hustings, when the
horse became restive, and there was a loud
outcry against the intrusion. While some
strove to appease the clamour, others urged
Sheridan to proceed.
" Gentlemen," replied he, "when the chorus
of T/te Horse and his Rider is finished, I shall
continue."
Sheridan. 131
r\N the subject of the liberty of the press
{in 1810) Sheridan was very eloquent
when he exclaimed of his opponents in Parlia-
ment : — " Give them a corrupt House of
Lords ; give them a venal House of Commons ;
give them a tyrannical Prince ; give them a
truckling court, — and let me have an unfettered
press ; I will defy them to encroach a hair's-
breadth upon the liberties of England."
TT is said that Sheridan never gave Monk
Lewis any of the profits of The Castle
Spectre. One day Monk Lewis being in com-
pany with him, said, "Sheri-
dan, I will make you a large
bet."
Sheridan, who was always
ready to make a wager, asked
eagerly, "What bet?"
"All the profits of Castle
Spectre,^ said I^wis.
" I will tell you what," re-
torted Sheridan, " I will make you a very small
one — what it is worth."
— WVW—
'T'HE HON. Mr S. having finished a tragedy,
sent it to Sheridan for performance at
Drury Lane. The proprietor looked at it, and
132 Bon-Mots.
laid it on the table. In a few days the author
called.
"Well now, my dear Sheridan, pray what
do you think of it? My friend Cumberland
has promised me a prologue ; and I dare say,
for the interest of the theatre, you will have no
objection to supply me with an epilogue ? "
"Trust me, my dear sir," replied Sheridan
drily, " it will never come to that, depend on *t."
— a/\/\/V\i —
nrHE chronic state of money difficulties in
which Sheridan was situated is notorious.
At one time, Hanson, a furnishing ironmonger,
was rather a heavy creditor, so was Gunter, the
confectioner, but for a much smaller amount.
Gunter had sent in his bill, demanding im-
mediate payment, on the morning when Hanson
called for settlement of his own. Gunter's bill
lay upon the table. Hanson was pressing,
Sheridan equally apologetic.
"But I must have my account settled, Mr
Sheridan ; promises are not payment, and I
cannot wait any longer."
" Well, my dear sir, if you can show me the
way how to settle it, I shall most cheerfully
comply with your wishes," was the calm reply.
" Me show you," retorted Hanson, "how am
I to know your resources ? "
"You know Gunter? perhaps you will have
Sheridan. 133
no objection to take his bill," said Sheridan,
with a merriment in his eye, as the comical
thought struck him, while glancing at the paper
on the table.
" Not at all ; I know Gunter to be a safe,
good man."
" Well then," handing the folded f)aper over
to the expectant tradesman, " there 's his bill —
take it, make what use of it you can, and when
you have done with it, I must beg of you to
return it receipted," and, bowing politely, he
left the bewildered Hanson to the acceptance
or rejection of the joke, as might best suit
his fancy.
TN the House of Commons Pitt rallied
Sheridan somewhat severely on his connec-
tion with the theatre. ' ' No man admitted more
than he did the abilities of that right honour-
able gentleman, the elegant sallies of his
134 Bon-Mots.
thought, the gay effusions of his fancy, his
diamatic turns, and his epigrammatic points;
and if they were reserved for a proper stage,
they would no doubt receive what the right
honourable gentleman's abilities always did
receive, the plaudits of the audience; and it
would be his fortune sui flausu gaudere theatri!
But this was not the proper scene for the
exhibition of these elegances, and he therefore
must beg leave to call the attention of the
House to the serious consideration of the very
important questions before them."
Sheridan in his reply proved himself quite
equal to the occasion, and thus replied to the
young Minister : " He need not comment upon
that particular sort of personality which the
right honourable gentleman had thought proper
to introduce, the propriety, the taste, the gentle-
manly point of it must have been obvious to the
House. But," said Mr Sheridan, ' ' let me assure
the right honourable gentleman that I do now,
and will at any time when he chooses to repeat
this sort of allusion, meet it with the most
sincere good humour. Nay, I will say more,
flattered and encouraged by the right honour-
able gentleman's panegyric on ray talents, if I
ever again engage in the compositions he
alludes to, I may be tempted to an act of
presumption — to attempt an improvement on
one of Ben Jonson's best characters — the
character of the Angry Boy in the ' Alchymist. ' "
Sheridan. 1 35
"DEING on a Parliamentary Committee on
one occasion, Sheridan happened to enter
the room when most of the members were
present and seated, though business had not
yet commenced ; when, perceiving that there
was not another seat in the rbom, he asked with
great readiness: "Will any gentleman move
that I may take the chair f"
— ^\Ww—
T ORD THURLOW attended the representa-
tion of Pizarro, but sunk into a deep
sleep during RoUa's celebrated address to the
Peruvians.
•' Poor fellow," said Sheridan, on being
informed of the circumstance, " I suppose he
fancied he was on the Bench. "
A PARTY of Sheridan's friends insisted on
seeing him to his home when he was very
tipsy. When they reached the street leading
to the square in which he lived, he required
them to leave him ; they did so, but after they
had proceeded a short distance, turned round
and saw him standing where they had left him,
and using his umbrella like a person who is
counting objects before him.
136 Bon-Mots.
"What on earth, Sherry, are you about?"
they asked.
"Do you not see," said he, "that all the
houses in the square are going round and
round? Well, I am waiting till mine cOmes
by, and then I shall just step in."
'T'HE Prince Regent having expatiated on the
beauty of Dr Erasmus Darwin's opinion,
that the reason why the bosom of a beautiful
woman possesses such a fascinat-
ing effect on man is because he
derived from that source the
first pleasurable sensations of his
infancy, Sheridan very happily
ridiculed the idea : ' ' Such children,
then, as are brought up by hand
must needs be indebted for simi-
lar sensations to a very different
object ; and yet, I believe, no man has ever felt
any intense emotions of amatory delight at
beholding a pap-spoon !"
'T'O a creditor who peremptorily required pay-
ment of the interest due on a long standing
debt, Sheridan jocularly observed, "My dear
sir, you know it is not my interest to pay the
principal ; nor is it my principle to pay the
interest"
Sheridan. 137
A CREDITOR whom Sheridan had perpet-
ually avoided, met him at last plump,
coming out of Pall Mall from St James's Palace.
There was no possibility of avoiding him, but
Sheridan never lost his presence of mind.
"Oh," said he, " that 's a beautiful mare you
are on."
"D'ye think so!"
• ' Yes, indeed ! How does she trot ? "
The creditor, flattered, told him he should
see, and immediately put her into full trotting
pace. The instant he trotted off Sheridan
turned into Pall Mall again, and was out of
sight in a moment.
"Y^ZHEN Pitt proposed a tax on female
servants, Sheridan declared that it could
be considered in no other light than as a bounty
to bachelors, and a penalty upon propagation.
— v\/\/Vv—
A MEMBER of Parliament having actually
proposed a tax on tombstones as one
which could meet with no objection, Sheridan
replied, ' ' that the only reason why the proposed
tax could not be objected to was, because those
out of whose prop>erty it was to be {>aid would
know nothing of the matter, as they must be
dead before the demand could be made ; but
then, after all, who knows but that it may not
138 Bon- Mots.
be rendered unpopular in being represented as
a tax upon persons who, having paid the debt
of nature, must prove that they have done so,
by having the receipt engraved upon their
tombs."
A N M.P., Mr Michael Angelo Taylor, had
acquired the name of "the Chicken," by
saying that he always delivered his legal opinion
in the House, and elsewhere, with great humility,
l>ecause he was young, and might, with pro-
priety, call himself a chicken in (he profession of
the law. Sheridan in a humorous speech,
which produced repeated peals of laughter,
took notice of the diffidence of Mr Taylor, as
connected with another observation of the same
gentleman, "that he should then vote with the
Opposition because they were in the right, but
that in all probability he should never vote with
them again ; " thus presaging that for the future
they would be always wrong.
" If such be his augury," said Sheridan, " I
cannot help looking upon this chicken as a bird
of ill-omen, and wish that he had continued side
by side with the full-grown cock (alluding to
Bearcroft), who will, no doubt, long continue to
feed about the gates of the Treasury, to pick up
those crumbs which are there plentifully
scattered about to keep the chickens and
full-grown fowls together."
Sheridan. 139
gYRON, writing 10 Tom Moore, said :—
Perhaps you Jieard of a late answer of
Sheridan's to the walchmnn, who found him
liereft of that divine particle of air called
reason. He, the watchman, who found Sheny
in the street fuddled and bewi
almost insensible, said, " Who are.
No answer.
"What's your name?"
A hiccup.
"WhafsyournameP"
tone, '■ Wilierforccr
140 Bon-Mots.
JuTRS CHOLMONDELEY asked to have an
acrostic on her name. "An acrostic on
your name," echoed Sheridan, "would be a
formidable task ; it must be so long that I
think it should be divided into cantos."
It was during the same conversation that
Sheridan said a lady should not write verses till
she is past receiving them.
— -vv/VW—
TZELLY describes his appearance in the
character of an Irishman in a Drury Lane
Opera : — "My friend Johnstone took great pains
to instruct me in the brogue, but I did not feel
quite up to the mark ; and, after all, it seems
my vernacular phraseology was not the mo^t
perfect ; for when the Opera was over, Sheridan
came into the green-room and said, * Bravo !
Kelly ; very well, indeed ; upon my honour I
never before heard you speak such good English
in all my life.' "
— A/\/\J\^ —
C HER ID AN 'S cool assurance never deserted
him. Late one night, when in company
with Challie, the wine -merchant, they were
stopped by footpads. Sheridan quietly ad-
dressed them saying, "My friend can accom-
modate you, and as for myself, I '11 tell you
what I can do, I can give you my note of hand. "
Sheridan. 141
TN a speech on the existence of seditious
practices in England, Sheridan gave the well-
known and happy turn to the motto of the Sun
newspaper, which was at that time known to be
the organ of the alarmists : — There was one paper
in particular, said to be the property of members
of that House, and published and conducted
under their immediate direction, which had for
its motto a garbled part of a beautiful sentence,
when it might with much more propriety, have
assumed the whole —
** Solem quis dicere falsum
Audeat f I lie etiam cescos instare tumultus
Scepe monet, fraudemque et operta tumescere
bellar
—»j\t\i\i\f—
TN the same speech Sheridan brilliantly ridi-
culed the people who took part in the pre-
vailing panic: — The alarm had been brought
forward in great pomp and form on Saturday
morning. At night all the mail coaches were
stopped ; the Duke of Richmond stationed
himself, among other curiosities, at the Tower ;
a great municipal officer, too, had made a
discovery exceedingly beneficial to the people
of this country. He meant the Lord Mayor of
London, who had found out that there was at
the King's Arms at Cornhill a Debating Society,
where principles of the most dangerous tendency
were propagated; where people went to buy
142 Bon-Mots.
treason at sixpence a head; where it was re-
tailed to them by the glimmering of an inch of
candle: and five minutes, to be measured by
the glass, were allowed to each traitor to
perform his part in overturning the State.
— -vVVW—
TT'EMBLE and Sheridan were drinking to-
gether one evening, says Michael Kelly
in his Reminiscences, when Kemble complained
of the want of novelty at Drury
Lane Theatre, and said that he,
as manager, felt uneasy.
" My dear Kemble," said
Sheridan, "don't talk of griev-
ances now."
But Kemble still kept on, say-
ing, " Indeed, we must seek for
novelty, or the theatre will sink — novelty, and
novelty alone, can prop it."
" Then," replied Sheridan, with a smile, " if
you want novelty, act Hamlet and have music
played between your pauses. *
— 'Af\/\l\f —
r*ONGREVE'S plays are, I own, somewhat
licentious, but it is barbarous to mangle
them ; they are like horses — when you deprive
them of their vice, they lose their vigour.
Sheridan. 143
CHERIDAN made his appearance one day
in a pair of new boots, which attracted
the notice of some friends.
"Now, guess," said he, "how I came by
these boots?"
Many probable guesses then took place.
** No," said Sheridan, "no, you 've not hit it, nor
ever will — I bought them, and paid for them!"
T N a speech on the India Bill, Mr Scott (after-
wards Lord Eldon) indulged in a licence
of Scriptural parody, and had affected to
discover the rudiments of the Bill in a chapter
of the Book of Revelations, — Babylon being the
East India Company, Mr Fox and his seven
commissioners the Beast with the seven heads,
and the marks on the hand and forehead, im-
printed by the Beast upon those around him,
meaning, evidently, he said, the peerages,
pensions, and places distributed by the
Minister.
In answering this strange sally of forensic
wit, Sheridan quoted other passages from the
same book, which, the reporter gravely assures
us, "told strongly for the Bill," and which
proved that Lord Fitzwilliam and his fellow-
commissioners, instead of being the seven heads
of the Beast, were seven angels, "clothed in
pure and white linen ! "
144
Bon-Mots.
r\N the success of a wildly romantic play by
Monk Lewis, Sheridan was asked why
he had desecrated the stage by such an abortion.
— "Abortion, my dear friend, look to the
treasury," was the reply. "I have long en-
tertained the idea of converting JRomeo and
Juliet into a comic opera ; despatching the
fiery Tybalt with the bravura ' The soldier
tired ' ; Mercutio to the lively air of ' Over
the hills and far away ' ; and winding up with
a grand scene in the graveyard, with the shades
of the Capulets dancing among the tombstones
to the solemn dirge of • Where are you going,
my pretty maid ? I am going a-milking, sir,
she said.' Won't it be capital? Lewis's
success ensures my own."
Sheridan. 145
T ET me have but the periodical press on my
side, and there should be nothing in his
country which I would not accomplish.
— 'AAJVr—
TXTHEN someone told Sheridan that the
quantity of wine and spirits which he
drank would destroy the coat of his stomach,
he replied, "Well, then, my stomach must
just digest in its waistcoat.
OOGERS and Sheridan were talking about
actors.
' • Your admiration of Mrs Siddons is so
high," said Rogers, "that I wonder you never
made open love to her."
"To her!" exclaimed Sheridan, "to that
magnificent and appalling creature ; I should
as soon have thought of making love to the
Archbishop of Canterbury. "
— W\/W—
CIR JOHN HIPPISLEY, who had been
envoy at an Italian court, occupied himself
on his return to Parliament chiefly with the
Catholic question. On this subject he was
remarkable for supporting his speeches with
K
146 Bon-Mots.
documents of the dryest and most antiquated
species.
•• I never hear that man speak," said a leader
of the Opposition, "that I don't think I hear
the ghost of some old Pope."
'• Ay, of Pope Joan," added Sheridan.
A DRAMA was presented to Sheridan, in
which the characters amounted to no less
than fifty-six.
"What's this? the new army list?" asked
Sheridan.
"Nothing of the kind, sir," said the intro>>
ducer, "it is on an Irish story, and by an
Irishman."
Sheridan glanced over a few leaves and saw
that it was altogether inadmissible. " Tell my
countryman that as a drama there can be no
hope of its success, partly owing to the reduced
population of London ; but it might be turned
into a history of the Rebellion, and the list at
the beginning would do for the muster at the
levy en masse."
— W\/Vv—
T^ENTION having been made in his presence
of a tax upon mile-stones, Sheridan said
that such a tax would be unconstitutional, — as
they were a race that could not meet to
remonstrate,
TF ihe thought is slow to come, a glass of
good wine encourages it, and, when it does
come, a glass of good wine rewards it.
" "pHE life of a manager of a Iheatre," Sheri-
dan said, "was like the life of the
ordinary at Newgale, — a conslant superintend-
ence of executions. The nutnbcr of authors
whom he was forced to extinguish was a
perpetual literary mas- — -
that made St Ban
mew's altogether shri
comparison. Play-wi
singly, accounted fo
employment of tbal
with iron-moulded I
visages, and study-
singly accounted for
the rise of paper,
which had exhausted the rags of England and
Scotland, and had almost stripped off the last
covering of Ireland. He had counted plays
until calculation sank under the number; and
every rejected play of them all seemed like
the clothes of a Spanish beggar, to turn into a
living, restless, merciless, indefatigable progeny."
148 Bon -Mots.
T ADY ARGYLE asked Sheridan to explain
"why our young men of birth persist in
dressing, looking, and talking like boxers,
grooms, and coachmen?"
"My dear Madam, I never had a turn for
family secrets," replied Sheridan; "but I
suspect birth to be the general cause."
— W\/\/Vv—
'IIT'HEN Pitt's India Bill was brought up from
Committee, it had twenty-one new
clauses added, which were to be known by the
letters from A to W, Sheridan said he hoped
that some gentleman of ability would invent
three more clauses for X, Y, and Z, to complete
the alphabet, which would then render the
bill a perfect hornbook for the use of the
Minister, and the instruction of rising politicians.
— <\WVv^
■QURING the "O.P. Row," when Sheridan
was conversing with Kemble on the pro-
spect of a speedy end being put to the popular
disturbance, Kemble said, " that he had a hope
of its conclusion from the trial of Clifford v.
Brandon."
"For my part," replied Sheridan, "I see
nothing in your hope, but an aitch and an O. P."
Sheridan. 149
CHER I DAN'S parliamentary colleagues had
brought in an extremely unpopular
measure, on which they were defeated. He
then said, that he had often heard of people
knocking out their brains against a wall ; but
never before knew of anyone building a wall
expressly for the purpose.
— A/\/\/\^ —
A CERTAIN noble lord having no less than
nine nominees in the House of Commons,
they were nicknamed the nine - pins. Burke
made an able and satirical reply to a speech of
one of these members, a reply that was received
with a loud cheer. Fox entering the House at
the moment, enquired of Sheridan the cause
of it.
"Oh! nothing of any consequence," replied
the wit, "only Burke knocking down one of the
nine-pins.'*
— A/\/\/\^—
A CERTAIN Doctor was remarkable for his
reluctance to contribute to public insti-
tutions. He was at length prevailed on to
attend a charity sermon in Westminster. After
the sermon, the plate was Ijanded round the
vestry. Fox and Sheridan were present.
*' The Doctor has absolutely given his pound,
said Fox.
I50 Bon-Mots.
"Then," said Sheridan, "he must tbi:
that he is going to die."
"Pooh I" repUed Fox, "even Judas thn
away twice the money."
"Yes; but how long was it before he W
hanged?" relorled Sheridan.
jyjrcHAEL KELLY in his amusing A-OBjn-
iscrnccs h.is tlie following good story of
Sheridan :~One evening after we had dined
Instead of six dozen, he
Sheridan. 151
had sent me sixteen. I was observing that it
was a greater quantity than I could afford to
keep, and expressed a wish to sell p>art of it.
**My dear Kelly," said Sheridan, "I would
take it off your hands with all my heart, but I
have not the money to pay for it ; I will, how-
ever, give you an inscription to place over the
door of your saloon : write over it, * Michael
Kelly, composer of wines and importer of
music' "
I thanked him, and said, '^ I will take the
hint, sir, and be a composer of all wines, except
old Sherry ; for that is so notorious for its in-
toxicating and pernicious qualities that I should
be afraid of poisoning my customers with it."
The above story has been told in many
ways ; but as I have written it here, is the fact.
He owned I had given him a Roland for his
Oliver, and very often used to speak of it in
company.
CHER I DAN'S maiden speech in the House
of Commons was far from being successful.
When it was over, he went to the reporters'
gallery, and asked a friend, Woodfall, how he
had succeeded. ** I am sorry to say I do not
think this is your line," said that candid friend,
"you had much better have stuck to your
former pursuits. "
On hearing this, Sheridan rested his head on
152 Bon-Mots.
his hands for a moment, and then vehemently
exclaimed, " It is in me, however, and, by God,
it shall come out."
J^RURY LANE THEATRE was destroyed
by fire in February 1809. Sheridan was
in the House of Commons when he learned
that the fire had broken out. He hastened to
the scene, and with wonderful fortitude
witnessed the destruction of his property. He
sat at the Piazza Coffee-house taking some
refreshment ; and on a friend remarking to
him how calmly he bore the ruin, Sheridan
merely said that surely a man might be allowed
to take a glass of wine at his own fireside.
T ORD DERBY once applied at Drury Lane
to Mr Sheridan, with much dignity, for
the arrears of I>ady Derby's (nee Farren) salary,
and vowed that he would not stir from the room
till it was paid.
"My dear Lord," said Sheridan, "this is
too bad ; you have taken from us the brightest
jewel in the world, and you now quarrel with
us for a little of the dust she has left behind
her."
Sheridan. 153
/^N the Prince entering the Thatched-house
Tavern and " raising his spirits up by
pouring spirits down" Sheridan gave these
impromptu hnes —
" The Prince came in, and said 'twas cold,
Then took a mighty rummer,
When nvaJlow after swaliow came,
And then he swore 'twas summer."
-^/v/y/VVv —
T ORD BELGRAVE having clinched a
speech in the House of Commons with
a long Greek quotation, Sheridan, in reply,
admitted the force of the quota-
tion so far as it went, "but,"
said he, "had the noble lord
proceeded a little further and
completed the passage, he would
have seen that it applied the
other way."
Sheridan then delivered some-
thing, ore rotundo, which had all
the ais, ois, ous, kon, and kos, that
give the world assurance of a
Greek quotation ; upon which, Lord Belgrave
very promptly and handsomely complimented the
honourable member on his readiness of recollec-
tion, and fmnkly admitted that the continuation
of the passage had the tendency ascril)ed to it
by Mr Sheridan, and that he had overlooked it
at the moment when he gave his quotation.
154 Bon-Mots.
On the breaking up of the House, Fox, who
piqued himself on knowing some Greek, went
up to Sheridan and asked him, " Sheridan,
how came you to be so ready with that passage?
It certainly is as you say, but I was not aware
of it before you quoted it."
Sheridan had indeed successfully hoaxed the
House, for his "quotation" was quite im-
promptu and entirely innocent of Greek !
'T'HE scenery of Drury Lane was one evening
on fire. The audience became alarmed
and in an instant the confusion would have
been dreadful. Suett rushed upstairs to Sheri-
dan to tell him that the fire was extinguished,
and that he would go and tell the house.
" You fool," exclaimed Sheridan, " don't
mention the word ' fire ' ; run and tell them
that we have water enough to drown them all,
and make a face."
The expedient succeeded ; the house was calm
in an instant, and was in a tumult of laughter
only, at the strange grimaces of which Suett was
such a master.
— vv\/W--
T^HEN Sheridan lay upon his death-bed,
his doctor thought that as a forlorn hope
a certain operation might be performed. He
Sheridan. 155
enquired of his patient, " Have you ever under-
gone nn opemlion, Mr Sheridan?"
With a drollery which even pain and sufTering
had not repressed. Sheridan replied, "Yes, —
when sitting for my portrait, or to have my
metaphor which one oT Ihe opposing counset
roughly handled alterwards. Sheridan re]
■■it was the first time in his life he hnc
lieard of sptciat pleading on a metaphor,
bill itf iisdiclment against a Irope. Bui
was the lurn of the learned counsel's mind
when he attempted lo be humorous, m
could he found, and, when serious, no (ac
visible;"
156 Bon- Mots.
"D ICHARDSON had set his mind upon going
down to Bognor with Mr Sheridan on one
particular occasion, because it happened that
Lord Thurlow, with whom he was on terms of
intimacy was staying there. "So," said
Richardson, "nothing can be more delightful,
what with my favorite diversion of sailing — my
enjoyment of walking on the sand — the plea-
sure of arguing with Lord Thurlow, and tak-
ing my snuff by the seaside, I shall be in my
glory."
"Well," said Sheridan, " down he went, full
of anticipated joys. The first day, in stepping
into the boat to go sailing, he tumbled down,
and sprained his ankle, and was obliged to be
carried into his lodgings, which had no view of
the sea; the following morning he sent for a
barber to shave him, but there being no pro-
fessional barber nearer than Chichester, he was
forced to put up with a fisherman, who volun-
teered to officiate, and cut him severely just
under his nose, which entirely prevented his
taking snuff; and the same day at breakfast,
eating prawns too hastily, he swallowed the
head of one, horns and all, which stuck in his
throat, and produced such pain and inflam-
mation, that his medical advisers would not
allow him to speak for three days. So thus
ended, in four and twenty hours, his walking
— his sailing — his snuff taking — and his argu-
ments."
Sheridan. 157
A DEBATE taking place as to the putting
down of Sunday newspapers, Sheridan
observed that there was an exception in the law
in favour or selling mackerel on the Lord's day,
and people might think stale news as bad as
stale mackerel I
W«:
[THEN Sheridan was coming up to town in
le of Ihe public coaches for the purpose of
canvassing Westminster, ■>*
the lime when Paull was
opponent, he found him
minster electors. In
course of conversation 1
of them asked the other
whom he meant lo give
vole. When his friend
plied. "To Paull, certain
for, though I think him
but a shabby sort of a
fellow, I would vole for
anyone rather than Ihal
rascal Sheridan ! "
"Do you know Sheri-
dan?" asked the stranger.
"Not I, sir," answered the genlleman, "nor
should I wish to know him,"
The conversation dropped here; but when
1 58 Bon-Mots.
the party alighted to breakfast, Sheridan called
the other gentleman aside, and said —
• ' Pray who is that very agreeable friend of
yours? He is one of the pleasantest fellows I ever
met with, and should be glad to know his name."
•'His name is Mr Richard Wilson ; he is an
eminent lawyer, and resides in Lincoln's Inn
Fields."
Breakfast over, the party resumed their seats
in the coach ; soon after which Sheridan turned
the discourse to the law. " It is," he said, " a
fine profession. Men may rise from it to the
highest eminence in the State ; and it gives vast
scope to the display of talent : many of th^ most
virtuous and noble characters recorded in our
history have been lawyers ; I am sorry, however,
to add, that some of the greatest rascals have
also been lawyers ; but of all the rascals of
lawyers I ever heard of, the greatest is one
Wilson, who lives in Lincoln's Inn Fields."
" I am Mr Wilson," said the gentleman.
"And I am Mr Sheridan," was the reply.
The jest was instantly seen ; they shook
hands, and instead of votingagainst the facetious
orator, the lawyer exerted himself warmly in
promoting his election.
C HER I DAN having very successfully adapted
Kotzebue's play of The Stranger ^ a friend
rebuked him for not employing his great talents
Sheridan. 1 59
to more legitimate purposes than that of adapt-
ing foreign sentimentality, with its tinsel em-
bellishments, to the English stage.
He replied in these lines of Dr Johnson's —
" * The drama's laws the drama's patrons give,
And those who live to please must please to live.'
Kotzebue and German sausages are the order
of the day."
— wvw—
TDEING stopped one night by a footpad, who
demanded his purse, Sheridan, offering
no resistance, merely said, "My purse, well,
here it is : if you can find anything in it, it is
more than I can ; therefore, I entreat you, let
us go halves in the finding."
— WWv—
A FRIEND remonstrating with Sheridan on
the instability of his means of supporting
his costly establishment in Orchard Street,
he tartly replied, "My dear friend, 1/ is my
means."
— WVW—
A N admirer of Sheridan's was anxious that
he should write a tragedy, but the drama-
tist replied that there were quite enough of
comedies of that class, and he would not add to
their number.
i6o Bon-Mots.
"DEING upon one occasion sorely pressed by
a needy creditor, who said that he had a
heavy payment to make to-morrow^ Sheridan
replied to his entreaties, ' ' Well, be it to-morrow,
it is a favourite day of mine to which I refer
many of my obligations ; and when to-morrow
comes, I hope we shall both be prepared to
pass our accounts to our mutual satisfaction."
— v\/\/Vv—
CHERIDAN, who was no sportsman, visited
an old sportsman in Ireland, and gave
afterwards an amusing account of his experience.
Tn order to avoid the imputation of being a
downright ignoramus, he was
under the necessity of taking a
gun, and at the dawn of day
setting forth in pursuit of game.
Unwilling to expose his want of
skill, he took an opposite course
to that of his friend, and was
accompanied by a gamekeeper,
provided with a bag to receive the birds
which might fall victims to his attacks, and
a pair of excellent pointers. The game-
keeper was a true Pat, and possessed all
those arts of blarney for which his country-
men are noted ; and thinking it imperative on
him to be particularly attentive to his master's
friend, he lost no opportunity of praising his
Sheridan. i6i
prowess. The first covey (and the birds were
abundant) rose within a few yards of the states-
man's nose, but the noise they made was so
unexpected, that he waited till they were out
of harm's way before he fired.
Pat, who was on the look out, expressed his
surprise, and immediately observed, *' Faith,
sir, I see you know what a gun is: it's well
you wasn't nearer, or them chaps would be
sorry you ever came into the country."
Sheridan reloaded and went on, but his
second shot was not more successful.
• • Oh," cried Pat, " what an escape ! I'll be
bound you rumpled some of their feathers 1 "
The gun was loaded again, and on went the
orator ; but the third shot was as little effective
as the two former.
"Hah," exclaimed Pat, although astonished
at so palpable a miss, •' I '11 lay a thirteen you
don't come near us to-day again ; master was
too near you to be pleasant"
So he went on, shot after shot, and always
had something to say to console poor Sheridan,
who was not a little amused at his ingenuity.
At last, on their return home, without a bird in
the bag, Sheridan perceived a covey quietly
feeding on the other side of a hedge, and un-
willing to give them a chance of flight, he
resolved to have a slap at them on the ground.
He did so, but, to his mortification, they all
flew away untouched.
i62 Bon-MdU.
Pat, whcse exciues were now almost ex-
hausted, still had something to say, and be
eidaimed joyfully, looking at Sheridan very
Eignificantly, " By Jasus ! you made them lave
Ihal, anyway!" and with this compliment to
his sportsmanlike qualities, Sheridan says he
closed his morning's amusement, laughing
heartily at his companion, and rewarding him
with a half-crown for his patience and en-
couragement.
CHERIDAN was lold by a friend that his
enemies look pleasure in speaking ill of
him, on account of his favouring an obnoxious
[ which his party were about to force (hrou^
: House. "Well, let them." he replied;
I is but fair that they should have some
asure for their money."
Sheridan. 163
"XXTHEN Miss Farren, the original Lady
Teazle, retired from the stage to
become the Countess of Derby, Sheridan paid
her a happy compliment. He approached her
in the green room, surrounded by her friends
and admirers, and, raising her hand with some
emotion to his lips, breathed into her ear, —
' ' God bless you : LxLdy Teazle is no more, and
the ' School for Scandal ' has broke up for the
holidays."
r\^ the re-opening of Dnuy Lane Theatre
after the burning, Whitbread had written
an address, in which like the other addresses,
there were many allusions to the Phoenix.
Sheridan remarked upon this that Whitbread
made more of this bird than any of them ;
he entered into particulars, and described its
wings, back, and tail ; in short, it was a poul-
terer's description of a Phcenix.
pALMER, the original Joseph Surface, whose
real character was quite in keeping with
the assumed one, had left Drury Lane Theatre
and started in opposition, but soon came to
grief, and was glad to get back. The first
time the returned actor met Sheridan after
his escapade, it was with the air of a Joseph
Surface. With a white pocket-handkerchief in
1 64 Bon-Mots.
his hand, his eyes upturned, his hand upon his
heart, he began, " Mr Sheridan, if you could
but know at this moment what I feel here/"
"Stop, Jack," broke in the manager, "you
forget that / wrote iU"
— v\/VW—
TN Sheridan's Westminster election contest,
Paull, his antagonist, who was the son
of a tailor, envious of the brilliant uniform and
more brilliant decorations of Sir S. Hood,
observed with some spleen, "that if he had
chosen he might have appeared before the
electors with such a coat himself."
"Yes, and you might have made it, too,"
retorted Sheridan.
— ^/\/\/Vv>—
A LI-UDING to the stoppage of cash pay-
ments at the Bank, in a committee of
which Mr Bragge was chairman, Sheridan said
that the conduct of the Chancellor of the
Exchequer reminded him of an old proverb.
The report of the committee was very favour-
able; but still the Bank must be kept under
confinement: "Brag is a good dog," says the
Minister, "but Holdfast is a better" : and the
Bank must be kept under his tutelage until he
finds it convenient to set the directors at liberty.
"pALKTNG with a friend who had said thai
Pin was a very extraordinary man, Sheri-
dan answered, "He ij an extraordinary man,
and the more we press him, the more he
OH being asked by a young Member of
^^ Parliament how he first succeeded in
establishing his fame as an orator, Sheridan
observed ; — " Why, wr, it was
easily eHecled. After I luv
been in St Stephen's Chapel i
few days, 1 found thai four
fifths of (he House were com
posed of country squires ani
great fools ; my first effort,
ihererore, was by a lively
sally, or aji ironical remark
to mike Ihem laugh ; that
laugh effaced the recollec-
tion of whnt had been urged in opposilton lo
my view of the subject from (heir stupid pates,
and then I whipped in an argument, and had
all the way clear before me."
T ORD JOHN RUSSELL, in recounting
Sheridan's joke lo Tarlelon, says, "Any
one might think the wit poor (although t do
not agree with them), but the joke is clear
1 66 Bon-Mots.
enough. ' I was on a horse, and now I 'm on
an elephant ' {i,e, * I was high above others,
but now I am much higher'). *You were on
an ass, and now you're on a mule,' said
Sheridan {i.e.j *You were stupid and now
you're obstinate'). For quick repartee in
conversation there are few things better."
C OME one was complaining of an ugly house
built by D'Arblay just near them at
Leatherhead, when Sheridan said, '*Oh, you
know we can easily get rid of that, we can
pack it off out of the country under the Alien
Act."
— a/\/Wn«—
TOURING the great trial of Warren Hastings,
Sheridan was making one of his speeches,
when, having observed Gibbon among the
audience, he took occasion to refer to the
"luminous author of the Decline and Fall/'*
A friend afterwards reproached him for flat-
tering Gibbon.
"Why, what did I say of him?" asked
Sheridan.
" You called him the luminous author of the
Decline and Fall,
" Luminous ! oh, of course I meant volu-
minous."
Sheridan. 167
>^NE of Sheridan's retorts on Pitt, "the
^ heaven-born Minister," showed singular
readiness of allusion and presence of mind
when they were least to be expected. One
night Sheridan entered the House drunk ; Pitt,
observing his condition, proposed to postpone
some discussion in which Sheridan was con-
cerned, in consideration of the peculiar state of
the honourable member. Sheridan upon this
fired ; and the instant his self-possession
returned, rose, and remarked that in the
history of that House, he believed, but one
instance of the disgraceful conduct insinuated
by the honourable member had occurred.
There was but one example of members having
entered that House in a state of temporary
disqualification for its duties, and that example,
however discreditable to the parties, could not
perhaps be deplored, as it had given rise to a
pleasant epigram. The honourable member on
the Treasiu^y Bench would correct him, if he
misquoted the words. Two gentlemen, the one
blind drunk, the other seeing double, staggered
into the House, arm in arm, and thus com-
municated their parliamentary views to each
other —
** I can't see the Speaker,
Pray, Hal, do you?"
** Not see the Speaker, Bill !
Why I see two."
Henry Dundas and Pitt himself were the
heroes of the tale.
l68 Bon-Mots,
r\N Lord Lauderdale telling Sberidan that
he had beard an excellent joke which he
would repeat, Sheridan stopped him saying,
"Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale; in your
TOURING Sheridan's man^ement, Thomas
Holcrofl had produced a play which he
offered to Covent Garden, saying, that it would
make Drury nothing but a "Splendid rmn."
Afterwards, when he offered a play lo Sheridan,
Sheridan retorted, " Come, come. Holcroft, it
would be rather too bad lo make me the
instrument of accomplishing your own predic-
Shieridan. 169
CHERIDAN beirig at one time a good deal
plagued by an old maiden relation of his
always going out to walk with him, said one
day that the weather was bad and raining; to
which the old lady answered, on the contrary, it
had cleared up.
"Yes," said Sheridan, "it has cleared up
enough for one, but not enough for two."
T ORD ERSKINE declared in a large party,
where Sheridan also was present, that "a
wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail,"
on which Sheridan presented Lady Erskine with
these lines —
^' Lord Erskine, at women presuming to rail,
Calls a wife a ' tin canister tied to one's tail ! '
And the fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries
on.
Seems hurt at his Lordship's degrading compari»)n :
But wherefore degrading ? Considered aright —
A canister *s polished, and useful, and bright.
And should dirt its original purity hide.
That's the fault of the puppy, to whom it is tied.**
— -vWW—
" 'T'HE right honourable gentleman," said
Sheridan, replying to Mr Dundas in
the House of Commons, " is indebted to his
memory for his jests, and to his imagination for
his facts."
1 70 Bon-Mots.
TXTHEN perusing Vortigem, the forged play
ascribed to Shakespeare, Sheridan re-
marked, turning to Ireland the elder (father of
the forger), "This is rather strange ; for though
you are acquainted with my opinion of Shake-
speare, yet be it as it may, he certainly always
wrote /^<?/r>'. "
'T'HE orator very happily illustrated the
style of a bill to remedy the defects of
bills already in being by comparing it to the
plan of a simple, but very ingenious moral tale,
that had often afforded him amusement in his
early days, under the title of the
House that Jack Built, First,
then, comes in a bill, imposing
a tax ; and then comes in a bill
to amend that bill for imposing
a tax; and then comes in a bill
to explain the bill that amended
the bill for imposing a tax ; next
a bill to remedy the defects
of a bill for explaining the bill that amended
the bill for imposing a tax; and so on ad
infinitum.
T OUNGING towards Whitehall, Sheridan
met George Rose coming out of St
Margaret's.
Sheridan. 171
"Any mischief on foot, George, that you
have been at church ? "
" No ; I have been getting a son christened ;
I have called him William Pitt."
"William Pitt!" echoed Sheridan. "A
rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
— ^WW—
CHERIDAN having said of one of the
members of the Cabinet that having three
places in a most gentlemanly administration, he
must be three times as much a gentleman as his
colleagues. The member referred to, then recently
married, very gravely assured the House that
his situation was not to be envied — that every
morning when he got up, and every night when
he went to rest, he had a task to perform almost
too great for human powers. Sheridan instantly
retorted that he himself would be very happy to
relieve Dundas from the fatigues of the Home
Department !
— ^/WW—
pOLESDEN, Sheridan's residence, was near
to Leatherhead, respecting which there
had been much punning at his expense. When
he was told of this in the country, he replied
that on his return to town he would get out of
their debts.
" What will you pay them ? " asked a friend.
Oh I I '11 give them a strapping T
<r
172 Bon-Mols.
TN Ihe year iSoi Kit had resigned his post as
Minister, and was succeeded by Addinglon ;
nil the other Ministers retaining the positions.
Sheridan thus humorously ridiculed the airange-
nient : — Wh«n the ex-tninisler quitted office.
almost all the suian/inale minialers kept tbra'r
places. How was i( that (he whole fiunily did
not move together? Had he only one covaed
wagon to carry friends and goods t or hai be
left directions behind htm that ihey may know
where lo call i I remember a fable of AriMO-
pbanes', which is traaslaled from Gieek inlo
decern English. I mention this for Ihe country
gentlemen. It is of a man that sal so long on
a seal - about as long, perhaps, as the ex-
minister did on Ihe Treasury Bench— that be
grew lo iL When Hercules pulled bim off. be
left all the utting part of the man behind. Tbe
House can make the allusion.
Sheridan. 173
T^HE son of Sheridan, Tom, who was expect-
ing to get into Parliament, said on one
occasion to his father, " I think that many men
who are called great patriots in the House of
Commons are great humbugs. For my own
part, if I get into Parliament, I will pledge
myself to no party ; but write upon my forehead
in legible character, * to be let.' *'
"And under that, Tom," said his father,
" write • unfurnished.' "
— vv/VW—
CHER I DAN was accosted one day by a
gentlemanly-looking elderly man who had
forgotten the name of the street to which he
wished to get, when the following dialogue took
place : —
"Sir, I wish to go to a street the name of
which I have forgotten. It is a very uncommon
name — pray, sir, can you tell me of any such
street near ? "
" Perhaps, sir, you mean John Street? " en-
quired Sheridan.
" No ; it is a street with an imusual name."
• • It can't be Charles Street ? "
" It is not a common name," said the stranger
a little testily, " it has the most unusual name
for a street"
"Surely, sir," said Sheridan, "you are not
looking for King Street ?"
174 Bon- Mots.
" I tell you, sir, it is a street with a very odd
name."
"Bless me, sir," said Sheridan, as though
struck by a happy thought, "it is not Queen
Street, is it?"
"Queen Street! — no, no! it is a curious
sort of name I tell you."
" I wish, sir, I could assist you," continued
Sheridan; "let me think. It maybe Oxford
Street?"
" Sir, for heaven's sake," exclaimed the irate
stranger, " think of what I told you, that it is a
street with anything but a common name ;
everybody knows Oxford Street."
" Perhaps, sir, the street has no name after
all," ventured Sheridan, in all seriousness, as
though offering a likely solution.
' ' No name, sir ! — ^Why, I tell you it has —
confound the name 1 "
" Really, sir," went on Sheridan, " I am very
sorry that I am unable to assist you — but let
me suggest Piccadilly."
The stranger could no longer restrain his
irritation, but bounced away, exclaiming " Oh,
damn it, what a thick-headed fellow it is 1 **
Sheridan, calling to him, and bowing as he
turned, replied, "Sir, I envy you your admir-
able memory," and then walked on, thoroughly
enjoying his joke.
Sheridan. 175
" CTEAL ! to be sure they will," said Sheri-
dan of some plagiarists, "and, egad!
serve your best thoughts as gipsies do stolen
children — disfigure them to make them pass for
their own,"
TOURING the Westminster election contest,
owing to the tactics of some of Sheridan's
supporters, one of the voters called out that he
should withdraw his countenance from him.
"Take it away at once — take it away at
once ! " cried Sheridan, " it is the most villain-
ous looking countenance I ever beheld. "
— A/\/\/V»»—
" TDY the silence that prevails," said Sheridan,
on entering a room full of guests, " I
conclude that Lauderdale has been making a
joke."
\\7'HEN the Duke of York was obliged to
retreat before the French, Sheridan gave
as a toast, "The Duke of York and his brave
followers."
"p ECOMMENDED to a course of sea-bath-
ing, Sheridan objected, saying that pickles
did not agree with him.
176 Bon-Mots.
CPEAKING in P^liament, Sheridan com-
pared a tax-bill to a ship built in a dock-
yard, which was found to be defective every
voyage, and consequently was obliged to un-
dergo a new repair; first it was to be caulked,
then to be new planked, then to be new ribbed,
then again to be covered ; then, after all these
expensive alterations, the vessel was obliged to
be broken up and rebuilt.
— ^^/VW—
TN a pantomime which Sheridan wrote for
Drury Lane Theatre, there was a practical
joke — where in pulling off a man's boot, the leg
was pulled off with it, which the famous Delpini
laid claim to as his own, and publicly complained
of Sheridan's having stolen it from him. Sheri-
dan said it was claimed as literary property,
being in usum Delpini.
CHERIDAN, the first time he met Tom after
his marriage, was seriously angry with him,
and told him that he had made his will and cut
him off with a shilling.
Tom said he was, indeed, very sorry, and
immediately added, "You don't happen to
have the shilling about you now, sir, do
you?"
Sheridan. 177
. LONG-WINDED member of Parliament
stopped in the midst of a tedious oration
take a glass of water. Sheridan immediately
rose to a point of order." Everybody
jndered what the point of order could be.
• • What is it ? " asked the Speaker.
•• I think, sir," said Sheridan, " that it is out
order for a windmill to go by water. "
— vWW—
\NE of school-day mois attributed to Sheri-
dan is this : — A gentleman having a re-
arkably long visage was one day riding by
e school, when he heard young Sheridan say,
That gentleman's face is longer than his life."
;ruck by the strangeness of the remark, he
irned his horse's head, and requested the boy's
leaning.
"Sir," replied he, "I meant no offence in the
orld, but I have read in the Bible at school,
lat a man's life is but a span, and I am sure
■>\xrface\s double that length."
M
178 Bon-Mots.
J^ORD ELLENBOROUGH (then Mr Law)
had once to cross-examine Sheridan. He
commenced thus; "Pray, Mr Sheridan, do
answer my questions, without point or epigram."
"You say true, Mr Law," retorted the wit,
" your questions are without point or epigram."
C AID Beau Brummel : " My brain. Sherry, is
swimming with being up all night — ^how
can I cure it? I am not myself this morning."
• ' Then what are you? " asked Sheridan. ' ' But
no matter. You have mistaken your complaint ;
there can be no swimming in a caput mortuum.*'
— vWW—
"P\AVID HUME and Sheridan were crossing
the water, when, a high gale arising, the
philosopher seemed under great apprehension
lest he should go to the bottom.
" Why," said Sheridan, " that will suit your
genius to a tittle ; for my part, I care only for
skimming on the surface."
— v\/\/Vv—
"DEING told that the lost tribes of Israel had
been found, Sheridan said he was glad
to hear it, as he had nearly exhausted the otl^r
ten.
Sheridan. 1 79
QEORGE ROSE of the Treasury was talking
to an individual in the House of Commons.
Sheridan was standing close to him when a
friend came up, and asked, "What news,
to-day?— any thing afloat? '
"Nothing, my dear fellow, nothing, except
the rumour of a great defalcation in the
Treasury — mind, sub RosaP replied Sheridan
loud enough to have been heard all round.
— vv/VW—
CHERIDAN once succeeded admirably in
entrapping a noisy member who was in
the habit of interrupting every speaker with
cries of ' ' Hear, hear ! " He
took an opportunity to allude
to a well-known political
character of the times, whom
he represented as a person
who wished to play the rogue,
but had only sense enough to
play the fooL
' ' Where, " exclaimed Sheri-
dan, in continuation, and with
great emphasis, "where shall
we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish
fool than this?"
" Hear, hear 1 " was instantly bellowed from
the accustomed bench. The wicked wit bowed,
thanked the gentleman for his ready reply to
i8o Bon-Mots.
the question, and sat down amid convulsions
of laughter from all but their unfortunate
subject.
— v\/\/Vv^
'yOM SHERIDAN once mentioned to his
father that he thought of going down a
coal mine.
"Go down a coal mine!" exclaimed the
other, astonished, " what is your reason?"
•• Oh," said Tom, "I think it would be rather
a nice thing to say that one had been down a
pit.
'•Well, but you can say so," said his father.
A LMOST to the very last, Sheridan preserved
his readiness of wit and pleasantry. A
solicitor who had been much favoured in wills,
waited on him, and after he had gone anotho:
caller came in, to whom Sheridan said, '* My
friends have been very kind in calling upon me
and offering their services in their respective
ways. Dick W., for instance, has just been
here with his will-making face.'*
T N consequence of a continued bout of disslpa*
tion, Sheridan was taken ill. He sent for
a doctor, who prescribed rigid abstinence.
Sheridan. i8i
Calling some time after, the medical man asked
his patient if he was attending to his advice,
and was answered in the affirmative.
•• Right," said the doctor ; "'tis the only way
to secure you length of days."
"I do not doubt it," said Sheridan, "for
these three last days have been the longest to
me in my life."
— ^A/V/W —
"DURKE'S melodramatic flinging of the
dagger on the floor of the House of
Commons was a complete failure, and pro-
duced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a
joke from Sheridan, — "The gentleman has
brought us the knife, but where is the
forkr
1 82 Bon-Mols.
/^NE of the Scotch Members of Parliament
asked Sheridan how he got rid of the
Irish brogue, as he wished to avoid his own
Scotch accent.
"My dear fellow," said Sheridan, "don't
attempt any such thing. The House listens to
you now because they don't understand you;
but if you become intelligible, they will be able
to take your measure 1 "
m
COON after the Irish members were admitted
into the House of Commons on the Union
in 1801, one of them, in the middle of his maiden
speech, thus addressed the chair : — " And now,
my dear Mr Speaker."
This excited loud laughter. As soon as it had
somewhat subsided, Sheridan observed, "that
the honourable member was perfectly in order ;
for thanks to the Ministers, nowadays, every-
thing is dear"
A LOQUACIOUS author, after babbling
some time about his piece to Sheridan,
said, " Sir, I fear I have been intruding on your
attention."
"Not at all, I assure you," replied he ; "I
was thinking of something else "
Sheridan. 183
C HERIDAN was down at Brighton one day,
when Fox (the manager) desirous of show-
ing him some civility, took him all over the
theatre and exhibited its beauties.
"There, Mr Sheridan," said Fox, who com-
bined twenty occupations without being clever
in any, " I built and painted all these boxes,
and I painted all these scenes."
"Did you?" said Sheridan, surveying them
rapidly. " Well, I should not, I am sure, have
known you were a Fox by your brush."
/^LIFFORD, a lawyer who had made some
strong comments upon his political conduct,
was once handled by Sheridan
with considerable irony. To
these comments Sheridan
replied: — "As to the lawyer
who has honoured me with
so much abuse, I do not know
how to answer him, as I am
no great proficient in the lan-
guage or manners of St Giles's.
But one thing I can say of
him, and it is in his favour. I
hardly expect you will believe
lue, but I pledge you my
word that once, if not twice, but most as-
suredly once, I did meet him in the company
of gentlemen."
184 Bon-Mots.
A FTER witnessing the first representation of
a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the Cara-
van, Sheridan suddenly entered the green-
room, as it was imagined, to congratulate the
author.
' • Where is he ? where is my guardian angel ? "
he anxiously enquired.
•* Here I am,'" answered Reynolds.
"Pooh!' replied Sheridan, "I don't mean
yout I mean the dog,'*
CHERIDAN was once asked by an acquaint-
ance, " How is it that your name has not
an O prefixed to it ? Your family is Irish, and
no doubt illustrious."
"No family,' answered Sheridan, "has a
better right to an O than our family ; for, in
truth, we moe everybody."
— vv/\/Vv>—
" "VXTHY do we honour ambition and despise
avarice, while they are both but the
desire of possession?" enqiured a friend of
Sheridan.
" Because," answered he, " the one is natural,
the other artificial ; the one the sign of mental
health, the other of mental decay; the one
appetite, the other disease."
Sheridan. 185
"IXTHEN Sheridan was asked which performer
he liked best in a certain piece, he replied,
' ' The prompter ; for I saw less and heard more
of him than anyone else."
piTT having introduced his Sinking Fund
into the House of Commons, Sheridan
ridiculed it, saying that "at present
it was clear there was no surplus;
and the only means which suggested
themselves to him were, a loan of a
million for the special pur-
pose — for the right honour-
able gentleman might say,
with the person in the
comedy, "//you won't lend
me the mon^, how can I pay you f ' "
— ^AA/W—
TN a large party, one evening, the conver-
sation turned upon young men's allowances
at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-
judging parsimony of many parents in that
respect.
"I am sure, Tom," said his father, "you
need not complain ; I always allowed you eight
hundred a year."
"Yes, father," replied Tom, " I must confess
you allowed it ; but then it was never paid."
1 86 Bon-Mots.
J^ADY CRAVEN having quarrelled with
Sheridan, said, that she kept up her
resentment as long as she was able, until he
made her laugh one night in a crowd coming
out of the Opera House.
"We were squeezed near one another by
chance, and he said, 'For God's sake! Lady
Craven, don't tell anybody I am a thief; for you
know very well, if you do, everybody will be-
lieve it!'"
— WVW—
'T'HE disputatious humour of one of his friends,
Richardson by name, was once turned to
good account by Sheridan in a very character-
istic manner. Having had a
hackney coach in employ for
about five or six hours and not
being provided with the means
to pay for it Sheridan happened
to espy Richardson in the
street, and at once proposed
to take him in the coach part of his way.
The offer was accepted and Sheridan lost
no time in starting a conversation on
which he knew that his companion was
sure to become argumentative and animated.
Having by well-managed contradiction brought
him to the proper pitch of excitement, Sheridan
affected to grow impatient and angry himself ;
at length saying that "he could not think of
Sheridan. 187
staying in the same coach with a person that
would use such language," he pulled the check-
string and desired the coachman to let him out.
Richardson, wholly occupied with the argument,
and regarding the retreat of his opponent as an
acknowledgment of defeat, still pressed his point,
and even shouted "more last words" through
the coach window after Sheridan, who, walking
quietly home, left the poor disputant responsible
for the heavy fare of the coach.
— WVW—
TN the debate on an India Control Bill, Sheri-
dan said, — He remembered that the India
Board had been compared to seven doctors and
eight apothecaries administering to the health
of one poor patient; but their prescriptions
were more palatable thaft the dose now mixing
by the learned Doctor of Control (Dundas), who,
in the true spirit of quackery, desires his patient
to take it, — that he has no occasion to confine
himself at home, but may safely go about his
business as usual. This sovereign remedy
would, no doubt, soon be advertised under the
popular name of ' ' Scots pills for all sorts of
Oriental ills.'*
— i^/V/VW—
A NUMEROUS party was assembled at
the mansion of a northern squire. Among
them was Sheridan and a wealthy young heir
Sheridan. 189
belonging to a neighbouring county. The
youth prided himself on the accident of his
birth, and on his consequent acquisition of
riches. During the early part of the day the
stripling sneered at poverty, and spoke slight-
ingly of authors, actors, and other classes of
the community who afford occupation and
amusement to thousands who would be other-
wise devoured by ennui, or seek excitement in
vicious pleasures.
Sheridan was naturally displeased at the want
of tact, taste, and feeling in the young pluto-
crat, and quietly waited an opportunity of
making him feel the edge of his keen rebuke.
At dinner there were twenty guests. Sheridan
sat on the left hand at the bottom of the table,
the youth on the right at the top, so that they
were at opposite angles, and the whole party
were so placed as to hear what passed from
either of them.
The youth talked much of all that concerned
him ; he gave accounts of the wonderful leaping
of his favourite hunter ; of the distance at which
his new double barrelled gun killed a wild
duck ; of the extraordinary staunchness of a
cross-bred setter ; of his dexterity in catching
a salmon with a single hair ; of his prowess in
I^ondon, &c. &c., to the number of eighteen
remarkable circumstances.
After the removal of the second course silence
ensued. Sheridan availed himself of this
IQO Bon-MolE.
moment, and Ihus addressed the yonlh— -his
voice comninnding Ihe rest to silence — "Sir,
at the distance at which I sit from yoa, I did
not hear with accuracy the whole of your ,
interesting anecdotes ; permit me lo a^ yon —
whose hunter performed those extraonXncuy
leaps?"
The youth promptly replied, " Mine, sir."
Sheridan continued, " But whose gun was it .
that killed so far ? "
Again the youth answered, "Mine, sir."
"Whose setter was so staunch?"
" Mine, sir." repealed the viclinL
' ' Who caught the salmon did you say ? "
" I did," was faintly answered.
Kheridan was inexorable, and continued, with
the ulmosl politeness of manner until he had
exhausted (he whole eighteen items ; and then
Sheridan. 191
drily said, • ' So you were the chief actor in every
anecdote, and the author of them all. Is it not
rather impolitic to despise your own professions?"
The youth left the mansion the following day
— cured, it is to be hoped of his illiberality, his
egotism, and his boastfulness.
— v\/\/V\^—
/^NE day, when quite a boy, Tom Sheridan,
who had evidently been reading about the
Necessarians, suddenly asked his father, " Pray,
my good father, did you ever do anything in a
state of perfect indifference, without a motive,
I mean, of some kind or other?"
Sheridan, who saw what was coming, and
had no relish for metaphysical discussion,
replied, "Yes, certainly."
' ' Indeed ? " said Tom.
"Yes, indeed."
"What, total indifference; total, entire,
thorough indifference ? "
" Yes, total, entire, thorough indifference."
"Well, now then, my dear father, tell me
what it is that you can do with (mind) total,
entire, thorough indifference."
"Why I can listen to you, Tom," said
Sheridan.
— ^\/\/\/V^.—
•yOM was recommended by his father to take
a wife, when he quietly asked, "Whose
wife, sir?"